Thursday started out like any other day. Woke up, weighed myself, decided I’m never eating again.
Two hours later, when my hunger overtook me and I was browsing the meat aisle, I noticed the back of my leg was numb. Which is an interesting new development in the ongoing saga that is my back. As the day went on, more and more of me became numb, including my right butt cheek and right side of my netherlands. Like, it felt like I had an epidural just on the right side. And frankly, it made me crave hospital food.
Panic set in as I wondered if I would ever regain feeling in my hoo ha. This could be bad. I immediately consulted the experts – my Scary Mommy blogger friends. Who understand the importance of my vagina and told me to get my numb ass to the doctor, stat. My doctor wanted to see me right away, and with my Mother-In-Law at the dentist having her tooth pulled, my options were: 1. Bring three little kids with me to the doctor, or 2. Turn on Despicable Me, toss a ham in the middle of the playroom and hurry back.
Sitting in her office I described my symptoms.
“This is very serious,” she said.
“Who you tellin’? I got a lotta mileage left in this thing!”
“I’m going to have to give you an… exam,” she said, giving a sideways glance to my 3, 4 and 5-year-olds, who were now in the middle of a heated debate over the iPad and spilling jelly beans onto her floor.
“Do you want me to have an MA watch your girls while I do the exam?”
“Five second rule, Lila! That red one is fine. Umm, no, doctor. At this point they’ve seen it all.”
“Are you sure? It will be a rectal exam.”
“These symptoms are pretty serious. I need to send you down to the ER.”
This was the opposite of, “You’ve just had a really stressful 45 minutes. Why don’t you go straight home and have a big glass of wine while you block out the memory of someone shoving their finger up your butt?” that I was praying so hard to hear.
This was bad. Taking three kids to the ER was bad. But not having any feeling in my vagina was worse. “Girls! We are going on an adventure!”
Luckily by this time my husband had arrived – he burst into the room right when the hot anal action had just started. He has a knack for sniffing out girl on girl action. I interpreted the look of disgust on his face when he walked in the door as arousal.
“I am not a doctor, I am with ER registration,” the guy with ER registration said as he slid the curtain closed. “Can I have your insurance card, ID and method of payment?” I handed him my cards. “Three girls, huh?” He said, nodding toward my children, who were now full throttle. The little one literally had her mouth wrapped around the bed guard rails and my middle one was typing something into the computer. “You know my wife is a photographer, and she specializes in children’s portraits.”
“Oh, that’s nice,” I said, feeling some lubricant begin to eek its way out of my butthole.
As much as I wanted Nick to take the girls to the cafeteria and scram, he happens to be a physician and I wanted him to be there when the doctor told me they were probably going to have to amputate my vagina. I’d heard some horror stories from him and his friends and I needed back-up.
After a few minutes the ER doctor came in and told me they were going to schedule an MRI for the morning.
“Usually I do a rectal exam for these types of symptoms, but I’ll spare you.”
“Oh, thank God. I already had one of those today and I have a limit of one person’s finger up my butt a day.”
“Oh? What did she say?”
“Well she said it seemed a little weak… I mean fine! She said it was fine!” I stammered as she snapped on her rubber glove and squirted the lube on her finger.
*camera pans to ceiling, scene resumes with me alone in room, in fetal position on hospital bed*
“Okay, so one more thing before we can let you go,” the ER doctor said as she came back into the room and closed the curtain. “The neuro surgeon wants me to do something called the ‘pin prick’ test. We have to test the nerve sensation in your anus.”
Thinking she was joking, I burst out laughing. She was not joking. The laughter turned maniacal as I once again rolled over and relented. They had taken everything. What was one more thing in my butt.
*camera pans to ceiling, scene resumes with me contemplating meaning of life*
“Wow, you’re in a hurry,” The guy with ER registration said as he came in to find me fully dressed, coat on, waiting at the door. Here are your cards back, and I jotted down my wife’s number in case you’re interested in those pictures.”
I swiped it out of his hands, took my violated butt and my numb vagina home and ate that side of beef waiting for me.