I’ve been taking a bit of a blog hiatus, because in a moment of delusional grandeur last spring I decided that my kids and I are going to have a totally groovy 70s style summer. No bells and whistles, no frills, no fancy camps. Just some good old fashioned playing in the sprinklers, drinking water straight out of the garden hose, throwing a pack of cigarettes on the deck and locking them of the house until dark.
Today we took a detour from the usual kid friendly fun and went for a hike. A hike in one of the most beautiful and well preserved nature reserves in the world.
Clearly, I am a tyrant of the worst kind.
Here’s a group shot, at the start of the trail.
Don’t let Lila fool you. She was super pissed I was making her breathe fresh air; she just loves having her picture taken. Notice Ellie already using her negotiating skills to try to talk me out of it? Her logic was something like, “It’s hot and none of us want to do this and why are you being so mean?”
Hadley was extremely excited to embark on this journey.
Next, we stopped by a picturesque lake. Boy am I a bitch!
This is when Ellie stopped talking to me for the rest of the morning because I was being so mean and I always make her do all the things she doesn’t want to do.
Then we hiked to a fairy house. Now, as a child of the 70s, whose summer highlight really was drinking out of the hose, you hike me up to a woodland fairy house and you might as well have done kilt me because nothing in my life would ever be worth seeing again.
Not so for my children. The moment I snapped what I thought was going to be the one Facebook-worthy picture from our hike Lila turned around, screaming and running toward me because the sun was touching her. Let me repeat… THE FUCKING SUN WAS TOUCHING HER WHILE SHE WAS OUTDOORS. What kind of mother am I, anyway?
She then sat on the trail until I walked past her out of sight, at which point she ran screaming at me like a lunatic, forcing many woodland creatures to stop what they were doing to eat their young.
On the way to the fairy house we stopped at a lookout over the lake.
What I said was, “Hey, turn around and smile so I can get a cute picture of you all in that little house.” What they heard was, “Hey, turn around so I can continue flogging you with this bull whip.”
Then – FINALLY – we made it to the fairy house. I snapped a series of pictures while screaming, “Smile! PLEASE, SMILE! CHEEEEEESE! If you smile just for one second I will give you ice cream when we get home!”
This is when my approval rating hit an all-time low. I mean, what kind of mother forces her kids to sit on a stool WITH A PIECE OF WOOD THAT TOUCHED HER LEG?
And, my god. I can’t even remember what this one’s grievance was but I am sure it had something to do with me being a horrible person in general.
I’m not exactly sure why, but since we got home my head hurts every time I move my eyeballs side to side.