Last Saturday Nick’s younger brother got married, introducing a second in-law into the Mayer family fold. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope they wait as long as possible to have children so we aren’t forced to make their deaths look accidental in order to avoid sharing our sweet in-law babysitter situation.
Just a “suggestion”, Julia *pulls index finger across throat*
Nick was the best man, and I was the cattle driver. Our three girls were flower girls and the logistics of this role made my own wedding day seem like a leisurely stroll down a kitten fur-lined path lined through a park with mandatory back rub stations.
The morning began with Nick asking if he could go to the gym because, in his words, “his day will be much better if he can work out.” Necessary I guess because his big responsibilities included getting dressed, showing up and having fun.
My responsibilities included EVERYTHING ELSE, as detailed below.
My friend Carrie came over to do everyone’s hair; I provided her with emotional support and lots of encouragement. And, like I always do when she is thrown into the chaos that is my kid-filled house, swat her hand away every time she tries to spontaneously yank out her uterus.
Because I was orchestrating this symphony of female beauty mostly alone so Nick could relax before his big day of more relaxing, my usual self prep time was cut from 1 hour to 3 minutes. Thank God I happened to notice a family of locusts fly out from under my arm right before we left because in my haste I completely forgot to shave and did the best I could with a dry shave as I stuffed sausage links into my mouth. Something that always seems like a good idea at the moment but not so much when your pits give everyone within a 5-foot radius a sunburn a few hours later when the DJ plays the YMCA.
We decided not to bring the girls to the rehearsal the night before, instead opting to show up early and allow them to familiarize themselves with the church. I knew there was going to be trouble when they started splashing around in the holy water. I probably could have done more to stop them, but I figured the more God they had on them, the better.
I was hopeful that after the walk down the aisle they would sit in the pews for at least part of the ceremony. Before we could even sit down the chorus of MOMMY SIT NEXT TO ME! SHE HAS MY CRAYON! WHERE IS MY SNACK! began and we slinked off to the cry room. This hour-long imprisonment can be likened to locking myself in a mini fridge with three feral cats. The most depressing part was that alcohol was off limits because I was spending the three hour break between the wedding and reception driving aimlessly around the city, praying they napped. Because holy water or not, the demon enters the non-rested child body sharply at 5pm. The bright side is that I was able to entertain myself during the ceremony with about 100 games of online poker. Jesus would have approved.
Following our three hour tour where I think all of us slept at one point or another, we arrived at the reception where I had the honor of sitting at the kids’ table. Not a surprise; I asked the bride to seat me here because there was no way I could leave a 2-year-old to her own devices for an entire meal. I guess what I hadn’t expected was that I would be the ONLY adult at the kids’ table. I spent two hours surrounded by a gaggle of 11-year-olds, doing 11-year-old things like drinking the cup of Parmesan cheese and challenging each other to ice cube mouth stuffing contests.
And please let me reiterate… SOBER. VERY, VERY SOBER.
I know all of this sounds awful, and most of it was. Except for the discovery that chicken fingers and mac and cheese make the best. wedding. dinner. ever.
The evening took an unexpected twist when Ellie tearfully and relentlessly begged to take the centerpiece home – a bowl of three goldfish. I didn’t anticipate live animals as a wedding favor, but we had discussed getting her a pet for her 5th birthday last week anyway so I figured, “Hey, free goldfish.”
That night after the reception we welcomed our new family members into our home with open arms. We named them. Sang to them. Told them what a beautiful life they were going to have in our home.
They were dead by morning.
Which led to an interesting and confusing conversation with the girls about death and Jesus and sushi.
All in all a beautiful day filled with love, family, and bribes not to pick your nose while someone is taking your picture.
Congratulations Josh and Julia!