Stage 1 – Ignorance
Experienced Frozen for the first time with my eldest daughter and it was magical. Mother/daughter bonding of epic proportions; the stuff pre-kid dreams are made of.
“I love you Mom,” She said as we exited the theater.
“I love you too.”
We walk hand in hand through the magical flurries of snow.
Stage 2 – The Honeymoon Phase
I can’t recall the exact tune of the movie’s songs; download a few onto my iPod. “Let It Go” becomes our official family mantra.
The song is played on repeat at all times in the van; continually sung around the house and free time is spent brainstorming 4-person choreography.
My husband disapproves. I begin to lose my trust in him.
Stage 3 -Dependence
Rent Frozen On Demand for the kids as a special treat and watch it together as a family for the first time. Just as magical as it was in the theater. The girls proceed to watch it 11 more times over the course of the next 48 hours. I don’t question their shallow breathing or corpse-like vacant stares as I perform household chores* in peace.
Have my first dream about Frozen. I was punching Elsa in the face. I wake up in a cold sweat. Question everything.*Words With Friends games
Stage 4 – Self-Doubt
Still slightly haunted by the captivating/comatose spell the rented movie had on my children, decide to hold off on purchasing the DVD. The novelty of the music has worn off and the opening few bars of the soundtrack have a more annoying than inspiring effect.
Reluctantly, it is deleted from my iPod.
Stage 5 – Mindfuck
I black out while making lunch for my kids. When I come to the DVD is playing on our television and I am wearing a paper crown. Something is obviously amiss, though I am torn between my newfound freedom from all parenting duties and the knowledge that too much TV is bad for brain development.
Movie scenes occupy most of my resting thought. Spend the majority of the day actively trying to force Frozen songs out of my head.
Stage 6 – Straightjacket
Distinguishing reality from fiction is becoming increasingly difficult. Accuse Nick of only marrying me so that he could take control of Arendelle. Regularly force him to perform various acts of true love. Burn DVD in fireplace; an hour later it has regenerated and inserted itself back into our DVD player.
Realize escape is futile.
Stage 7 – Self-Preservation/Family Abandonment
Quietly pack my suitcase under cover of darkness; don’t want to wake the voices. The singing won’t stop. It’s FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER GET OUT OF MY HEAD THE SNOW GLOWS WHITE ON THE MOUNTAIN TONIGHT STOP IT STOP IT DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU so annoying.
Run screaming from house into street, seeking refuge from satan’s songs. Immediately joined by droves of my fellow parents.
Together, we will find peace my friends.