I’m typing this with my nose because it’s the only thing on my body that doesn’t feel like has been beaten with a bat and then set on fire.
Even my nipples hurt, which, after 8 weeks of breastfeeding, I thought we were past. I took a step class this morning which involved a lot of jumping. And if you’ve ever breastfed anything you know that jumping is bad. About 10 minutes in my boobs totally Hulked out of my sports bra and one of my nipples flew to the front of the room and slid down the mirror.
Anyhoo, everything hurts. But I’m trying to work off the cheeseburger I ate last night at Blueberry Hill. And the basket of french fries. And the toasted ravioli. And the three beers.
This morning before I went to the gym I forced myself to feed Ellie breakfast in my bikini to remind myself why I’m doing this. I think the only thing that did was throw her into a lifetime of various eating disorders.
In other news, I’ve made a big decision that I’m definitely positive about. I think.
Prepare for my Dad to completely freak out.
I have wanted to get a nose ring for as long as I can remember. I didn’t do it when I was working at the ad agency because although my boss said it would be fine I worked on the ‘corporate’ side of things and thought it might be a little too out there for my clients.
However, there have been several times (usually after a few drinks) that I decided to take the plunge and just do it but fate always intervenes.
The most memorable is one time when my friend Jamie and I were on a road trip and we decided we were going to do it. But as we pulled into the parking lot there was a man in a wheelchair with no legs and stumps for arms wearing nothing but a confederate flag doo rag and cut off jeans shorts who started cat calling us and waving us into the building with his stumps.
Needless to say we both screamed and peeled out.
Now I have no job, no clients – nothing standing in my way of getting the nose ring. Except the horrible pain that accompanies getting a nose ring. And if that hurts then what will I use to type?
And maybe the slight fear that I won’t be able to pull it off and I’ll end up looking like a huge douche bag. We’re not talking about a big honking ring, just a very small little stud.
So this is where you guys come in. I need some advice. Tell me what to do. Vote to the right. And my parents are only allowed to vote once.
If they haven’t already died from a heart attack after reading this.