Sorry I’ve been sort of MIA around here. Like your sister at a fraternity party, I decided to spread myself around and took on a few side projects. But after it started burning when I peed I knew I needed to reign it back in.
Yesterday we went to the -!SHOCKER!- zoo. I know, I know. I go to the zoo more than anyone you’ve ever met. But my kids love it and they have delicious cheeseburgers. Which, by the way, I think is creepy. You spend all morning looking at the majesty of animals and studying the intricacies of their fragile habitats, and then you belly up to a table and eat one between two buns. They are so tasty but it’s weird.
We were waiting for the train when I noticed the sky suddenly got dark. Black. I was debating whether or not to start making our way back to the mini van when I saw an old man on a Rascal zoom by at about 30 miles per hour. And seeing an old man zoom by on a Rascal is like seeing a bunch of woodland creatures running for their lives out of the woods. You don’t question someone’s instinct on a Rascal. Even if it looks fine, you just assume they know something you don’t as you haul ass after them and don’t look back.
The girls must have sensed my panic because they got right back into the double stroller and Ellie hung onto the side without a word. At first we were just speed walking, and as it started to sprinkle we broke into a light jog right in front of the gorillas – my last shelter before the main building but I thought we could make it. And P.S. – this experience confirmed what I already knew – that I would make it about 30 seconds in the wild if left to my own devices.
Then, just as we were equidistant from the primates and the main building, God decided to unleash the beast and a gale force wind brought a wall of water upon us. It was raining and blowing so hard I could barely see the leaves and branches as the wind hurled them past my face. People were screaming and running everywhere. It was PANDA-monium at the zoo (sorry I couldn’t help it)
My lungs burned and my legs started to lose strength because not only was I sprinting while pushing about 65 pounds of kids plus a 35 pound stroller and diaper bag uphill against the wind, but I was practically dragging Ellie as her little legs tried to keep up. Also my jeans and shoes were soaked, making it feel like I was running with cement blocks on my feet.
I saw the main building up ahead, and just as I was about to stop and walk the final stretch because my legs were literally about to give out and I had no strength left… the power went out around me.
Now I have three words for you. Jurassic Fucking Park.
I envisioned the gorillas we just passed calmly walking through a sliding glass door onto the sidewalk, stretching as they inhaled the fresh air, the biggest one spotting me and screaming, “How ’bout you tap on my glass NOW, BITCH!” and then chasing me down the path, grabbing me by the shoulders and taking a huge bite out of my head. A mili-second after all the lights went out my eyes got crazy like an antelope being chased by a lion, my legs instinctively found the strength to catapult us the last 100 yards to safety.
And you know what they say about the instinct of the mother to protect her young when threatened? All lies. It was all I could do to not ditch the stroller and leave them in my dust.
We came barreling into the main building, the focus of attention to a crowd of onlookers who were smarter than us and sought shelter before Armageddon hit. I felt like I was going to vomit. We were dripping wet; completely soaked. It was then I realized Lila must have been screaming bloody murder because I noticed she had suddenly fallen silent. She didn’t say a word the entire way home, and has looked like this for the past three hours:
I felt my way through the pitch black bathroom for some toilet paper to wipe our faces, and then we waited for the storm to pass. Which took about four minutes. As quickly as it had come it was gone, and we walked through the parking lot to our car in complete sunshine.
All the better for everyone to see my ta-tas through my so thoughtfully selected thin white t-shirt, I noticed after I took my parking lot selfie.