1. The VMAs.
It wasn’t the creature growing out of Justin Beiber’s face, or Kanye’s announcement that he wants to lead the country that made me want to set fire to my television. Actually, I had a fun few moments fantasizing about what life would be like if Kanye won. I didn’t know exactly how to fill in the blanks but I supposed there would be no shortage of free butt implants and that wouldn’t be all that bad.
No, what pissed me off, and continues to do so, was that every one of Miley’s wardrobe choices was a personal attack on my self-esteem. “Welp, there’s one more thing I’ll never be able to wear,” I thought to myself, taking a slug of wine. After a while I had to fight the angry tears, the way she was just hot dogging around the stage like not wearing a bra is no big deal. Maybe, JUST MAYBE FOR ONCE, MILEY – YOU COULD THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR OUTFITS MAKE OLD PEOPLE FEEL. And oh my god we get it – you smoke pot. Jesus. So does pretty much everyone except my parents. Let it go.
2. This woman.
Sure – Kim Davis is gay rights public enemy #1 right now. But with her sketchy past and resting bitch face she’s actually doing gay rights a giant favor by personifying the opposition as a hypocritical, hillbilly, human wart. Settle down Kentucky gay people – you’ll be walking down the aisle soon enough. She can’t run from the Supreme Court forever. I would know.
No, she’s not the one I’m pissed about. It’s that squirrelly looking one next to her. I don’t know who she is or where she came from but trust me, I’ve known women like her before. Women who don’t seem to notice that everybody else in the whole wide world stopped teasing out their bangs twenty five years ago and people like that are nothing but trouble. She’s even got them sides feathered back and everything, which is a move I haven’t seen since my parents’ wedding album and I don’t trust it one bit. Right now she’s just sitting there with her little hands folded, quietly giving the reporter the ole stink eye, but boy has she got plenty to say. And you better believe her cat is going to get an earful the minute she walks in the door.
3. Donald Trump
Now, I’m no bible expert, but if I know one thing it’s that Jesus would have taken one look at this boat of losers fleeing from their war-torn country with nothing but their children and the clothes on their back and said, “Aw hell naw. Send ’em back. Send ’em all back.”
I love how “Christian values” equates to “Build a large box that I can stuff human beings into and finally attend church in peace.” Fine – you don’t support immigration. Really, fine. Whatever. But don’t base your campaign platform on restoring Christian values to this country because that makes you a hypocrite and a huge dick head. P.S. Sitting in church and praying people living with problems more terrifying than you will ever know quietly go far far away does not count as “helping” or “doing anything”. Now my head hurts.
Everybody loves it, which makes me hate it even more. I posted last week on my Facebook page that I tried it and didn’t like it, and many of you told me to try a different class. Which I did this morning and I still hate it. I swear to you I tried to do what the man said, “Clear your mind of all outside thoughts.” Well you might as well tell a housefly not to be black because it doesn’t happen with this girl.
Lengths of quiet make me anxious and all I can do is lay there helpless as things pop into my head over and over and I don’t have anything to write them down with and oh my gosh did I remember to put the permission slip in Ellie’s backpack and oh I need to call our accountant about the thing and man I need to do something about these stomach rolls wow that old man is way more flexible than me and did I remember to put my body wash in my gym bag shit I also forgot my deodorant I am going to smell like ass at pre-school visiting day and did I take out the trash oh lord in heaven I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate what’s wrong with me that all these other people can relax why can’t I relax I hate myself.
I’ve never hated myself in my Zumba class.
5. This bush.
I watered you all spring, you little fucker. You were so pretty and now I have to learn how to use a chainsaw.