If you’re like me, the NETFLIX series Making A Murderer has trapped you, chewed you up and spit you back out into a colder, crueler world where nothing will ever be as it once was. It is an infuriating, haunting and fascinating look into the justice system that will make you want to crawl into your TV and punch people.
Obviously there are two sides to every story, but I don’t have time for that. I prefer to consume my news in one sided documentary form and quickly jump to my own conclusions. Preferably conclusions which are spoon fed to me by people looking to make a profit.
If you don’t have NETFLIX or have not yet had a chance yet to watch, I’ve taken the liberty of nutshelling it all below for your reference. It is a story everyone must hear in order to be properly paranoid. The most routine traffic stop can turn into life in prison in the blink of an eye and you’re gonna need to know what to do when the cops plant a dead cat in your trunk.
Episode 1:
A vacationing woman is raped and beaten on the beach while jogging. The wrong man, Steven Avery, is convicted and spends 18 years in prison. Then in 2003 DNA is invented and they realize they made a mistake and let him out.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Avoid all physical activity while on vacation
Episode 2:
Steven Avery attests the police knew he was innocent from the get go and unleashes Kill Bill-style vengeance in the form of a sensible, warranted lawsuit. But just when he starts to get some traction, dead girl bones are found in his back yard. Shit gets real.
KEY TAKEAWAY: If you’re in prison because you’ve been framed by an ENTIRE POLICE DEPARTMENT, when you are let out you run far far away and never look back
Episode 3:
Brendan is Steven’s learning disabled nephew and is coerced into giving a confession that makes no sense, or backed up by, you know, any evidence. Everyone goes to jail.
Jodi, Steven’s girlfriend promises us she “Ain’t going nowhere”. Thank God for Jodi. She’s the only one in this whole show whose hair doesn’t hurt our eyes.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Brendan can’t hear you, no matter how loud you scream at your TV to try to help him
Episode 4:
Brendan’s lawyer, a foreskin with glasses, tricks Brendan into giving a written statement. He is later fired but the damage has been done. Jodi leaves us. She was our everything and now she’s gone. Brendan misses Wrestle Mania. His Dad tapes it.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Jodi is a damn liar
Episode 5:
The trial starts and Teresa’s (the deceased girl) beady eyed, stocking hat wearing ex-boyfriend takes the stand and is obviously guilty because, you know – beady eyes and stocking cap.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Never book a second date with someone you believe could be capable of shooting you in the head then throwing your body into a fire
Episode 6:
A bloody bullet, which was found in Steven’s garage, is presented as evidence. A bloody bullet found FOUR MONTHS after the previous searches. A bloody bullet found by the police department which was ordered to stay away from crime scene because, you know, THEY FRAMED HIM BEFORE.
On a side note, this evidence was presented by a woman who is a compilation of everyone who was mean to me in high school. Well guess what, Sherry! I’m a grown woman now; you can’t hurt me anymore. And I don’t give two craps about your “evidence”.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Just kidding please invite me to your birthday
Episode 7:
A car key found in Steven’s bedroom is presented as evidence. A car key found in plain sight MONTHS after the previous searches. A car key found by the exact policeman who was not supposed to be there because he was directly LINKED TO FRAMING HIM BEFORE.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Previous assumptions that anyone with a northern accent is inherently trustworthy are false
Episode 8:
Everyone is in cahoots. Steven is found guilty and sentenced to life in prison despite any believable evidence or speck of blood found ANYWHERE ON HIS PROPERTY.
KEY TAKEAWAY: There’s always someone out there having a worse Tuesday than you
Episode 9:
Brendan is guilty as well, despite any physical evidence and severe inconsistencies in the story police instructed him to say. But no one is surprised. We all knew that was coming after this shit show.
KEY TAKEAWAY: No one ever should watch this documentary
Episode 10:
We’re all learning how to move forward with the lives we’ve been dealt. We have a new girlfriend – she’s no Jodi but she’ll do okay. Oh and P.S. the lead prosecutor in the case was fired due to sexually harassing his domestic abuse clients but we’re not surprised. He was creepy as all get out. No one seems to care or willing to re-open our case.
KEY TAKEAWAY: The system is broken, and poor people accused of crimes are royally fucked
That was freakin’ HYSTERICAL!
And so true!
I binge watched this show in 3 days and now feel bereft!
I kept hoping the REAL murderer would be revealed in the final episode.
I felt so bad for Brendan and Steven, I almost false-confessed MYSELF!
Love your summary – hilarious!
Good lord – thank you! I got suckered into Serial because everyone said listening to it would be SUCH a life changing activity that they could never spoil it by putting together a synopsis. Thank you for not being some damn candy pants that’s got to disguise their pathetic stab for power by withholding information.
This is so bazarr. I honestly Think that whoever called this young woman on the phone that was ignored, and then phone calls or texts disappear is the person that is guilty. At first I thought it could be the exboyfriend, because of his body language on camera during the search, and on the stand. Then I had suspicions it could be Bobby ,and his uncle that passed each other on the road, but I felt even more suspicious of the prosecuter (Kratz) I believe. His history of sexting abused women and bragging about himself and his life, and his narcisisstic demeanor during the trial makes my blood cold. If anyone could have done it and got away with it it could very well be him, and everyone he incorporated in this sham. This was so badly handled and assumed beyond the balanced scale of justice, that it turned into a gross injustice. If I personally had the power to take all these people down in the public eye and shame them and jail them for life I would. The Judges involved clear down to the line to the cops that were involved would be under deep scrutiny. There would be a change of venue and should have been one from the beginning. Out of the State away from anywhere close enough that biased would automatically be an issue. This case just blows my mind and what these professionals were allowed to get away with. Taking into account that they would have had to pay Steven big, and this being a way to get out of it is questionable as well. UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!
This was EVERYTHING!!!! I was hysterical reading it. So naturally I read it out loud to my husband who is also now hysterical. This was perfect!!
This was all kinds of awesome and if LOLZ freed the toothless and innocent, this would’ve done the job.