The following is a talk I gave to a group of Moms a few months ago. I was going to save it in the event I was ever invited to do another talk, but as my wonderful (and supportive) husband pointed out, “That’s not gonna happen for a long, long time. It was good – you should publish it.” Again, the king of the backhanded compliments never disappoints. Enjoy.
oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god
Making the decision to quit my job and stay home full time with my kids was not one I entered into lightly.
Part of my choice was based on the fact that I felt like I was missing out on all of the good stuff at home. My daughter was seven months old at the time and our nanny was sending me videos of things like the first time she rolled over, and emailing me pictures of their first trip to the zoo. And seeing her starting to grow without me made me sad.
But between us girls, the real reason I left my job is because working is awful.
I was a senior brand manager at advertising agency, which, if you’ve ever seen an episode of Mad Men, is exactly nothing like that. I was surrounded by people who thought it made them interesting if they didn’t bathe. I would get in fights with my creative team over things like no you can’t give an entire presentation in a pirate voice, or using sock puppets. They were egotistical, selfish, and thought the world revolved around them because they knew how to use Photoshop and wore fedoras.
When I wasn’t busy babysitting the creative team, I was bent over in a boiler room somewhere getting it Shawshank style from clients who couldn’t understand why we did things like charge money, or need more than an hour to come up with a revolutionary idea that would totally turn their dying business around. Usually their qualifications to run a multi-million dollar company were that they were born.
They would stroll into our meeting 20 minutes late, inform us their 16-year-old son disliked the shade of blue we used in the print ad, and kill an entire strategy and creative campaign that robbed us months of our lives with a wave of their hand.
It was not uncommon for us to pull an all-niter to meet a deadline they moved up on a whim, and then have them call the next morning as we drove bleary eyed to the meeting to see if we could present next week instead.
Clients had no idea how much time and effort it took for us to make the gears of the marketing machine turn, which, to be honest, was sort of by design. We feared if they peeked behind the magic curtain and saw how things really worked and how the campaign got to their table they would be appalled at the disorganized chaos.
So I left it all behind and didn’t look back. The stress, the manipulation games, the rat race. I couldn’t wait to slow down and truly experience what life was all about. I envisioned the perfect life I would have as a stay at home Mom. My kids and I would spend our days strolling through museums, swapping gossip magazines as we got our toes done, taking long naps and end the day sitting around the fire talking about all the boys we have crushes on.
My house would be the epitome of a Pottery Barn catalog and our yard would be the envy of our neighbors. Every evening my husband and I would walk hand in hand through our backyard Japanese garden and we would gaze adoringly into each others eyes as our children tossed pellets into a pond filled with those giant creepy goldfish. My husband would wonder how he got so lucky to have such a perfect wife and prance me around town like a sparkly little show pony, and my kids would idolize my every move. Usually this fantasy also included me winning a break dance competition of some sort in front of a crowd of hundreds.
I was certain my life would be perfect.
Fast forward four years to a few weeks ago when my family all got the stomach flu at the same time. I was hunched over scrubbing their rancid vomit out of the carpet and my daughters screamed bloody murder because my butt was blocking the way of their cartoon.
And P.S. – because my turd of a husband has a “real job” he threw me to the wolves. He got to barf in the privacy and comfort of our bathroom all night while I shared a bed and a bucket with three little girls in the guest room.
And the next morning, when I was barfing so hard I saw the ghost of my dead grandma hovering over the toilet telling me to come to the light, I heard my four year old whisper to my three year old, “Hey, maybe we’ll get a NEW mommy!”
Four years ago I didn’t know how good I had it with sock puppets and pirate voices.
At least the creative team had the decency to wait until we were back in the privacy of our ad agency to throw a tantrum. My kids don’t give a hoot who is around. They’ve thrown themselves upon the finest floors in the city in front of dozens of horrified onlookers. In fact, they prefer to misbehave in public because it practically guarantees my reaction will be within the confines of the law.
Now, I live and die by my kids’ happiness. Not a minute goes by in my day that I’m not thinking about how I can somehow make their lives better, constantly worrying that they are not happy enough, evaluating myself as a mother and continually thinking of ways to make sure they have the most perfect lives possible. I look at these kids and understand the meaning of life. I went to Yo Gabba Gabba live for god sakes.
And in return, my children are physically incapable of being happy unless I am actively waiting on them. For example. I sit down to dinner completely exhausted. I’ve been running like a crazy frantic person all day breaking up fights and diffusing tantrums and cleaning up poop and a cornucopia of other usually unidentifiable bodily fluids.
And they will purposely wait until I sit down and put the fork to my lips to tell me that they need a napkin. And then when I point out that their napkin is right there under their fork they will frown and frantically look around for something they’re missing that will make me have to get my old tired bones up from the table to get for them. And if they can’t find anything they will chug their milk until it is gone and whine that they are still thirsty until I get up and get them more.
They are sick and twisted little creatures.
And now my 3-year-old has started running into our room in the middle of the night, putting her little hands on my cheeks and whispering, “mommy tuck me back in!” about three inches from my face. And, like anyone who has seen The Grudge, my eyelids spring open and three weeks are immediately shaved off my life.
Now let’s think about this for a minute. She is three. Old enough to pick out her own outfit every morning and put on her own shoes and coat. Old enough to mentally run through at least a rudimentary decision making process as she lays awake in bed coverless at 3am. And the conclusion at which she arrives is that she would rather come into my room and wake me up in the middle of the night, startling the tuna salad out of me, and ruin my entire next day because it takes me five years to fall back asleep because now I can’t stop thinking about that little girl from The Grudge crawling up the side of my bed, than pull up her blanket.
And this is especially dangerous for her at this point in my life because since becoming a stay at home mom I have completely lost my fear of going to prison.
If I would have ever, EVER, had a co-worker wake me up in the middle of the night on a regular basis I would have put a mouse head in their lunch box, or at the very least change their computer password to “I am a giant butthole”.
But no. I will not stand for a sub par performance review from my kids. I drag my half asleep self out of my warm bed. I follow her to her room. She runs to her miniature bed and jumps in, curls up with her little stuffed sheep, and she’s asleep before I even spread out the quilt. And I have no idea where it comes from, but somewhere deep inside me I’m like, “awww!” and I drop the screwdriver.
Which brings me to my next point – my ungrateful fart knocker of a client. AKA my husband.
Like when we used to pull all niters only to have the client change the meeting at the last minute, my husband will suggest I have big fancy home cooked meal ready when he comes home from work. Which means a trip to the grocery store with three little kids, immediately catapulting it to a double Zoloft kind of day.
So I prepare dinner with three kids screaming and fighting at my feet. Do you have any idea what kind of self restraint it takes to continue to use a butcher knife to calmly chop vegetables while someone wipes their snotty nose on your bare leg?
And you know what he does, right as I’m getting ready to set the table and the food is hot and ready? My husband will call to see if I mind if he goes to the gym before he comes home.
And when he arrives home an hour later, he is completely oblivious to how much work is was to keep the house standing upright. In fact, he has the nerve to ask why there’s a Barbie in the toilet. And I’m just thankful he didn’t come home five minutes earlier when the cat was on fire and the baby went missing. There are so many times in my day where, if he were to come home and see what shape the house was in, he would fire me and re-hire the nanny.
So as it was best that the client remained ignorant of the process by which the advertising concepts made their way to their board room table, it is better my husband doesn’t know what accidentally fell into his dinner. I just smile and ask him if he enjoyed his workout.
And my identity as a professional has been slowly, painfully erased one day at a time. The part I was looking forward to the most – the part that I thought would be the easiest – was slowing down. But that has been the hardest. Letting my 4-year-old help me make pancakes even though I know it will take 20 minutes longer is like nails on a chalkboard. I have to leave the room as my 3-year-old slowly works on a puzzle because I can barely fight the urge to push her aside and finish it as quickly as possible so we can move on to the next task.
I never knew it was possible to develop anxiety from doing nothing. But yes, I have officially developed a case of the crazies, or as my doctor calls it: “alcoholism”. At my old job I could juggle thirty projects at once blindfolded. Now my sporadic attempts at simple, sentimental good old fashioned family togetherness without fail end in a blaze of glory.
I feel like I’m the only parent in the world who can’t manage a simple project. We are going to get pictures with Santa Claus. Let’s commemorate your first hair cut. We are going to eat dinner now. But the higher my expectations for perfection, the more chaotic and painful the experience.
A blowout diaper up the back right before they sit on Santa’s lap. Death grip around my neck every time the beautician comes at them with a comb. Hustling out of a restaurant in shame. I used to be the queen of manipulation, but now I just pray and wear comfortable shoes.
But the past four years I have been slowly transforming from type A to type MC – More Chardonnay.
When I first became a stay at home Mom I was terrified of the police showing up at my house because I made some horrible parenting mistake. Now, if they show up I will ask them if I can borrow their tazer for a second.
I used to sneak into the bathroom to pee in private like a normal human being, now I call all of my girls in to give them lessons on proper wiping technique.
I think about the months I worked on my master’s thesis as I eat cold and stale macaroni and cheese out of the pan over the kitchen sink in my pajamas.
I think about how I gave presentations to CMOs of some of the world’s largest companies as I sniff someone’s butt. Actually those are sort of the same thing.
I used to wear make up. Now, I don’t even clean the food out of my beard before I go to Target.
And I’ve learned that being a stay at home Mom is as challenging of a career as any. And as with any job, it’s all about balance. Using the nursery at the gym to give myself a break to blow off steam in a kick boxing class. Scheduling a massage while the kids are at pre-school instead of cleaning the bathrooms. Bringing my flask to the playground.
No, the best I can do is keep working, learning, and hope that one day I will become the Mom that I have been medicated to be.
Love it!
Needed to read this today!
in a word… awesome!
You’re not alone. Thanks for the honesty, and the laugh. Hang in there Mom. God bless you all, and Dad too. 🙂
I was a video and television producer/production manager and I felt that way, too as a stay at home Mom. I started working in direct sales and it’s been great to get out of the house one or two days a week. Find something you can do just for you! Clearly, writing is working. 😉
Erma Bombeck is reborn!
Okay… you just brought tears to my eyes. In a good way.
Hope you don’t think this is weird, but I may be in love with you. I see a lot of positive comments here and you can add a resounding “HUZZAH!!” from me. I’m right there with you, sister. I say and post (on a much smaller scale) this sort of thing all the time. I get some affirmation, but also a whole lot of mortified head shaking, tsk-tsking and lectures. A lot of “you are the ungrateful one,” and “first world problems” and “why did you have kids if you hate them?” type of responses. Never mind that I’ve never said or implied I hate my kids – in fact, I say I love them and will do just about anything to make them happy in spite of their mother-abusing, energy-sucking asshole tendencies. I try, as you have here, to tell the truth about parenting and especially being a SAHM because I see so much “parenting is bliss” propaganda from all the people that are afraid to be honest for fear of being called a bad parent. If there had been some truth out there 14 years ago, my life … well, there’s no way to know. So kudos for being brave enough to be honest. I’ve heard it gets better when they get older, but my experience has been that the older kids just come up with another set of tortures. Maybe people mean it gets better when they’re grown…?
Nope- adult kids are more challenging . . .
you really can’t put them in Time-out! Just sayin
I love her, too. I want to camp out on her lawn. Start a cult. Of stay at home moms who are not full of shit. What a breath of desperately necessary fresh air. I pretty much don’t want to read anything else.
I love,love,love, this article. As the saying goes laughter is the best medicine.
I have found that some people are more forthcoming, some are not. But sharing your truth helps. It helps to let others know that you are not alone. Pretending that the hallmark card depictions of a mother’s blissful life are real does nothing to acknowledge the bittersweet choices that define motherhood and only serves to promote an ignorance about the complex realities that are modern day motherhood.
Creative Director. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Gah.
You just described my life right down to the job at the ad agency and the master’s thesis. Thank you so much for this. It’s funny because it’s true.
THANK YOUUUUU!!!!! No one has ever made me laugh that hard. I mean, I had to stop 5 times, just to wipe the tears of laughter to keep reading about the ironic sadistic life that is being a mamma. My favorite line is “When I first became a stay at home Mom I was terrified of the police showing up at my house because I made some horrible parenting mistake. Now, if they show up I will ask them if I can borrow their tazer for a second.” Yes, oh yes! I’m with you hon! It’s an MC life for the full time working mammas too :D:D
I agree with Burr. We DO have the most difficult job in the world! hahahaha
I’m reading this in bed and laughing so hard it’s disturbing my husband’s sleep. (Your previous columns are awesome, too!) We had 3 girls under age 2 for awhile (thank God they’ve all survived to be 3 under 4 now)–you’ve captured the essence of the experience : )
Oh my god – we should start a, “guess what a total random stranger came up and said to me in the grocery store today” list. I’m sure you get it all the time too, having three girls so close in age. Mine range from, “Hey, you know how to prevent that, don’t ya?” to “YOU TRY BOY!” We need to collaborate on some quick and witty responses.
I had 9 children in 14 years. The first 5 were 6 years and under. My comeback to nasty comments: “I like to see my husband happy; I’m good at what I do.”
Awesome response! What man or woman can argue with that!
Thank you for sharing this with all of us! I can so relate and feel I am not alone!
I loved this entire post … but most of all the line about you not cleaning the food out of your beard. I am so right there with you. Bearded ladies.
Oh my gosh you guys – you are awesome. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in front of my keyboard mid-post and thought, “Blogging is dumb and a huge waste of time and nobody cares and I can’t stop eating peanut butter out of the jar”, hit ‘delete’ and walked away wiping frustrated tears. But then someone sends me an email, or comes up to me while I’m out and about (which makes me feel OH SO ROCKSTAR by the way) and says something like, “Your blog posts make me feel like I’m not insane”, or “Your teeth are so much bigger in person.” And then I suddenly feel renewed, like I have a purpose, however small, and also reminds me I need to make a dental appointment which is also very important. Maybe my microcosmic contribution to society is three unbelievably amazing, fascinating, beautiful little girls and making someone’s day a little better because I can make them laugh at themselves.
Because, people… parenting is hard. Like, all day and all night hard with little rays of awesome that shine through every once in a while that somehow are enough goodness to give you the will to get out of bed every morning and do it all again. And we are not doing a good enough job of supporting each other. So many parenting blogs are filled with comments of ugliness and when it comes to being a parent, nobody has any idea what the hell they’re doing. NOBODY is the perfect parent. There was only one perfect man to ever walk the Earth, and his name was Michael Jackson. You are not Michael Jackson and never will be. Accept it.
What I’m trying to say is thank you for reading, commenting, and liking. It made this girl’s day.
We must be kin. Every single word. Amazing. I too was an Account Service slave in ad agencies in St. Louis. Catering to the Beer Chicken. Luckily, I started way before kids, so I was able to enjoy client dinners and make some lifelong friends due to much bonding over several beers. My last stint was a 30 hour part time job, but I was working 50 – 60. But getting paid for 30, so that’s awesome. Kids were 5 and 8. So after playing that game for 17 years, I finally said I GIVE! It’s been three years and my kids are in school, yet I STILL struggle with all of the stuff above. For the third year in a row, I’ve written down – Take Family Walks After Dinner – as a goal. Hasn’t happened once. You’ve found your niche. You’re an amazing writer. Keep on, Keepin’ on!
PS – I remember seeing you (when I didn’t know who you were, not in a creepy I’m stalking you way) at the Coolfire Freak Party with your Humpty costume. Brillant.
Love the flask at the playground part. I thought I was the only one!
This is outstanding work! You are beyond hilarious with your sarcasm and whit. I love it! And as a recently devoted SAHM, I share your struggles and point of views.
Good luck to you in the all your efforts.
you’re such a good writer. and funny! thanks for this and happy *new* year doing it ALL over again.
What a good read today!
Thank you for giving me a wonderful laugh after staying up all night with 2 coughing kids with ear infections. You hit it right on the head with this post and it was truly hilarious! Funny how the image of a stay at home mom and the actual “job” aren’t the same 😉 Excited to follow your blog now 🙂
Thank you for this! It was a great read! So poignant, so true, so evoking PTSD. I had to quit my job when my oldest daughter was 19 months old because my spontaneous triplets had arrived. I was in therapy for two years getting over the fact that I no longer had any hope of adult contact for 5 years, or for ever going on vacation – ever again. When I had my first, and then we found out I was pregnant with another, I thought the same thing… this is my chance to be the perfect mom, and have the perfect life, gardening together, going on nature hikes, learning new languages, my kids having learned so fully that they could read to themselves at age 3. Then we learned they were triplets. So yeah, RIGHT! All my hopes and dreams were shattered. Shit, I was lucky to get out of my pj’s more than twice a week. Now they’re all in school and I can feel myself coming back to life, like a butterfly escaping its cocoon. You’ll get there too, Momma, just hang in!! 🙂
Oh. My. Gosh. I have not laughed that hard. Ever. I am a SAHM. I have 10 kids. I have issues. I homeschool 3. I spent the morning cleaning up my washer because my son left his pull-up in the laundry and my husband chose today to help. My kids came running as I’m laughing hysterically to see why. I just told them they would never understand. Thank you. I so needed that today.
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Oh my god. My 2 year old kept asking me ‘what’s so funny mom?’….hahhahahha!!! Thank you for this. I am not the only one who feels like this at times!! Wow. My stomach hurts!
Awesome. Just awesome.
Oh man I really needed to read this. LOL!! And omg kids are so slow!!! And what’s with this suddenly being unable to do things. My oldest son, who’s three, will ask me to hand him something at breakfast that is literally right next to his plate and when I tell him to get it himself he holds him arm up like its dead and waves it towards the table and says I can’t it’s too hard and starts to cry, that’s about the time I start wondering if there is a waiting period in Georgia because I seriously want to blow my brains out. My husband says it’s not funny to joke about something that could actually be true. Lol
Sorry but this is NOT funny at all. Your essay offends the parents who have children being abducted never to be seen again, murdered by stray bullets, run over by cars, beaten to death, battling a deadly disease, parents who watched their child DIE or simply cannot have children. My son was diagnosed with cancer for 9 months I battled by his side. He would wake me up in the middle of the night because he would need to vomit or need help with medicines or “want to be tucked in”. He was not 3 or 4 years old. He was 13! He needed so much from me that I gladly gave him no matter how tired I grew. I watched my son puke his brains out on empty stomach. I watched my son scream in pain. My son died 9 months from his diagnosis and I find your silly essay to be insulting. It reflects your ignorance and lack of compassion.
You should be treasuring your children…treasuring every moment which includes the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. Your essay makes you sound like you don’t love your kids, which I am sure is not true…right? You must love them, right? I can’t imagine that you don’t. Next time your you feel frustrated or overwhelmed, try picturing your child abducted, or abused by a stranger, how about your child screaming in pain due to illness or taking his/her final 4 breaths and then laying in bed lifeless. Try imagining waking up to an empty house with no kids to puke and poop all over you.
Two Christmas’ ago a mother tragically lost her 3 daughters and parents to a house fire ..I can imagine she would trade places with you in a heart beat.
Thanks so much for offending so many Moms, Dads, Brothers, Sisters, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Friends…….because you cant handle the precious gifts God has given you.
Count your blessings as I don’t wish this pain I feel on ANYONE! Not even your ignorant self!
I apologize if my post sounds harsh but as I read comments on “how funny” this is, I simply cannot fathom why any parent would think not appreciating your kids is funny. Sure, we all have our moments where we get frustrated with our kids but seriously…???? There are more kids dying, being abused, raped, diagnosed with incurable illnesses or some parents who want to have kids and cannot. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You wrote yours, I now write mine. Don’t shoot the messenger because this message is critical.
Maybe take the time to learn something. Why don’t you talk to a parent whose child has died, listen to them and then REWRITE this post. I bet 5 minutes of listening to the torment in a parents heart will have you writing an entirely different post.
Again, sorry but if you didnt want comments then you should not have shared this on the internet.
Delete this if you want. I will keep reposting it.
Wow. Okay. First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through… what you are going through. CANNOT IMAGINE. As I type this my 2-year-old is laying next to me with a fever. I was up all night checking her temperature every hour because when they are sick or hurt it tears me apart with worry. It consumes me. Obviously it was not my intention to insult or offend you, or anyone who has lost a child. I actually started this blog with the complete opposite intention. I had a big “bump” in my life when I had kids. I suffered from infertility and after two years of trying had two miscarriages before I had my first daughter. So on a very small level I can sympathize with how you’re feeling – I had a lot of anger toward people who had no problem getting pregnant that I felt didn’t appreciate their children enough. Once I finally had a daughter I felt guilty and overwhelmed and like I was doing everything wrong and drowning – nothing like I thought I should have felt after I had what I had worked toward and wanted for so long. After talking to many other parents I soon realized I’m not the only one who is struggling in that way. And I have found that when I’m in a situation that I find overwhelming it is helpful for me to turn it on its head and make light of it by reminding myself I’m not the only one who is struggling with this and making fun of it in a way that might make someone laugh instead of cry as they scrub up vomit. Writing about it is therapeutic for me, and I publish what I write because I want parents to know they are not alone with whatever frustrations they are having, and hopefully they can take a step back laugh about a tough situation instead of cry. I don’t write about the sunshine and roses because I don’t think most parents need help with appreciating that. I don’t write about the times I worry about them being abducted, stricken with an illness or hurt in a car accident because I think as parents we all worry about that enough. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
I agree! You didn’t write this to say how much you “hate” or don’t appreciate your kids. To me, this was written to let moms know that in times of frusteration (which even the most perfect, appreciative parents feel at times) that we are not alone. I was having one of those moments today but now after reading what you wrote, I dont feel so abnormal and i can’t wait to give my kids a big hug! Thanks for sharing!!
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss and realize that you have a perspective that none of us would wish on any mother. I am truly so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine how hard that would be. I don’t think that the author isn’t treasuring every moment with her children. I’m sure you can relate on many situations that were difficult when you were raising your children. I know none of those situations would even hold a light to losing your son. It’s heartbreaking that you lived through an experience that put all those hard situations earlier in his life into perspective. I think it’s such a delicate subject but everyone should be able to write about their experiences in their own way. Yes, you have gone through the most horrible experience that anyone could go through. That’s your story and your reality and my heart aches for you, it truly does. The author doesn’t share your story, so she is coming from a different standpoint and I think what she wrote was very well said. She said she puts her girls happiness first but it isn’t all pretty and wrapped up in a bow, she has hard days and just because she admits that, doesn’t mean she isn’t appreciating everything about her girls. Let’s not take any chance we have to call each other out for what we are missing. We are all women, going through unique experiences and the more we ALL talk about them without criticizing each other for who has it the worst, or the best or who says it wrong or who says it right, the better off we will all be.
Is it bad that I thought this was satire?
Hannah – I’m sorry you had to defend yourself after writing down what we all feel at times. Thank you for being so honest and hilarious at the same time. Currently at home with Hand, foot and mouth trying to get a few hours of work in while my toddler who graciously shared his hand foot and mouth is running circles around me. We know we are blessed to be moms, and wives and stay at home moms – but some days are ROUGH! Lets laugh and be honest about it!!!
I’m sorry, but what did you expect on an article entitled “I want to throw myself into traffic–an essay on being a stay-at-home mom”? Clearly, this was meant to be a “silly essay,” a moment of comedic relief for stay-at-home mothers, not the sequel to War and Peace. Who are you to lecture this woman on treasuring her children? Obviously the point of the entire article is “NEWSFLASH: Staying at home with your kids isn’t easy.”
As you pointed out, you are more than welcome to your opinion, and this is a free country. But while you’re out there doling out advice, maybe you should also take some. Here’s some free advice from someone who also has experienced quite a bit of loss: your pain is not any more critical than any one else’s. Maybe you should better use your time lifting other parents who are going through (or have been through) the same thing you have. Instead of sounding off on an article INTENDED for satire purposes. Obviously she is not going to stab her children with a screwdriver. Or put a mouse head in someone’s lunchbox. For God’s sakes. Ridiculous. Why don’t I go on a bereavement blog and post, “why is everyone so sad in here? Let’s paaartay!” You are clearly in the wrong place and raging at the wrong person.
I feel for you FP, more than you know.
I lost a little one 22 years ago, just one month and four days short of his third birthday. I know this pain of loss intimately. I also have family members who lost children to illness or accidents.
And yet, I’m still mature enough to recognize that this was indeed satire, and the things written here meant to elicit a few laughs between mothers who’ve “been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt!”. Definitely NOT written to diminish the true and awful pain other mothers have experienced through loss.
I have three kids now, 15, 4, and 18 months, and you know what? I can relate to this author. I’m not so caught up in my own pain that I feel the need to minimize someone else’s experience for my own.
Might I suggest that if you are still feeling this raw, you seek the things that will help you heal, and avoid triggers such as this article. Because it’s not okay to take it out on the world, and expect every single person to understand what you’re going through.
#LiveAndLetLive
Do you realize that the reason your kids are like that is because that’s what they are learning from YOU? I am a stay at home mom and I cherish every single second I spend with them. I miss them when they are at school. I have taught them to be thankful for their blessings and to be courteous and respectful of everyone including myself. Now that my eldest is going to college…I enjoy raising my 7 yr old twins and my 10 yr old even more than I could had ever imagined. Yes, being a stay at home mom is LOTS of work but it is a blessing. I thank the Lord that my children are healthy and active. Your essay might seem “funny” to some people but it really is not.
This article is written purely for comedy. It’s like if Louis CK were a woman.
But I know women who CHOOSE to be stay at home moms because they love their children and want the best for them. I know people who would LOVE to continue working but choose to sacrifice their careers in order to invest their years into something they feel is more valuable.
Kudos to all moms and thank you for putting your love into action, in whatever form! xox
Fantastic blog that truly captures the existential reality of “doing time” with preschoolers. Most situations end up weighted to justify going in a mostly SAHM mode when kids are born closer together, until the youngest is 3yrs old.
I immedietly myelf conceptualisd two words that cover this phase; “the agony and the ectasy” after first son arrived, then with second son,two toddlers, two more key words,as it could be “heaven or hell!”
There are magical fascinating shared moments with kids in their discovery of the world, their manifesting moments of loving innocence, most joyous giggles.All that entwined within the mini terrorists committed to bizzare ideologies of demands,needs demolishing your home, order,etc.. They can both cause heart stopping adrenalin surges and provide such dragging tedious patches.
The worst bit is SAHMing preschoolers makes one feel like you neverare or are seen as truly on top of anything assumed in associated tasks.How can you be with “shape changers”?
I thought I didn’t believe in extra terrestials living amongst us disguised as humans. I do now, seeing there are supposedly women who claimed to love every moment of SAHMing with kids that are mini versions of stepford wives, that supposedly magicaly responded to socialising guidance as their always state.
Real human moms have a lively miind and produce similarily livey minded little kids, but the infant/toddler/preschooler developmental stage ain’t on the adult mental satisfying level by a long shot., We too provided socialising guidance that our little barbarians have aquired in the main, though having a lively mind they can’t accept that their feelings,desires and opporunities needs ought to always be subsumed by adult demands.
SAHMing with school age kids is a unnecessary luxury.
Something you can only dare to do if you’ve a very well off partner.
One whom you can confidently know, that were a divorce to happen, that he would have to and could be able to pay you out for a comfortable long term uemployed life. Then additionaly cover of yourall kids up to and assist them through college.
It coud be a lovely and easy way to live, aside from the personal narowness in lackng challenge, stimulus, growth etc..that resuming a career provides.
Otherwise, women need to be mindful of time away from working and modes of remaining in touch with their careers while SAHMing in these contemporary times.
We all have some sad or horrible event in our lives. That said, this mom is in the trenches right now as are the moms who appreciated her stories. The ladies who had a problem with the blog evidently had not come away with the same appreciation due to their sadness being too new and raw. I can appreciate their viewpoint as I have had the same anger of anyone who complains about a husband since mine is no longer here for me to complain about. However laughter is still the best medicine and I thank Hannah for my dose this morning.
I left a big corporate job to stay home with my boys and some days I want to rip my hair out one by one. I also wake up every morning thinking my boys are one day older and one day closer to becoming teenagers, college kids, adults and I better bust out the play-do before they don’t want to play with it anymore because they are too old. Even if the play do is going to end up on my walls and in the carpet. They aren’t going to want your attention forever. One day they aren’t even going to want their friends to know we are their mom’s because it won’t be “cool”. I have a friend who is watching their son battle leukemia for the second time in three years. i hope they never come across a rant like this. We all have our moments and think it, its another thing to make it public. What if your kids read this one day? Good luck to you.
I think about that too – the moments are slipping by so quickly and how I want to box them up and know that I can pull them out any time I want and relive them over and over. I never said I don’t cherish my time with my kids.
Being a Mom (stay at home or working) is a 24/7 job. You have someone (or some many) dependent on you twenty. Four. Hours. A. Day. Kids are, by nature, selfish. Putting themselves first is how the human race continues to exist. It is exhausting. And frustrating. And the only instruction manual I had when I started was a bunch of blogs and magazines that showcased every beautiful moment that I knew I could never live up to. You are often completely isolated and have no idea if what you’re doing is right or wrong and you just pray you’re not permanently screwing up your kids.
I hope my girls DO read this blog. Every word, especially if they choose to have children of their own. Because they’ll know that not every moment is perfect. Some moments are maddening and make you feel like you’re losing your mind and failing but it’s okay because there are millions of other people out there losing their mind right along with you. And they’ll learn to laugh instead of cry when things start to go south.
You’re right – we do all have our moments to “think” it. And when you do “think it” you think that you’re the only one feeling like that. Because no one likes to talk about the hard stuff, and so you feel like you’re sailing alone.
I can’t not get frustrated being a parent because someone else’s kids are sick, or hurt, or missing. But every time I do hear about something like that it makes me go and hug my kids extra tight and I will check on them four, not three, times during the night. Sometimes I get really really burned out on blogging. But then someone will recognize me in a restaurant, or send me an email and say, “thank you for your posts. you make me feel like I’m sane and not alone.” And that’s about all I can hope for.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go play princess. Apparently I’m going to be the king.
Hannah I am in love!! I can not believe people are offended by this story!! I relate completely! This has nothing to do with the amount of love we have for our kids or how much we appreciate them and their health. I agonize constantly about all the mistakes im making or whether or not my girls know how much I love them however, this does not mean i have to love all the constant crap we go through on a daily basis. Im extremely type A and obsessed with everything being “perfect.” This has also made me beg for the hour that both my girls are asleep so I can drink an entire bottle of wine and only wish I had a second.
All I can say is “Boo Hoo for you”. I’m so sorry you encountered difficulty after you left your high-paying profession to raise your children. I’m sure that women who have to walk miles to get drinkable water for their children all feel your pain at having someone “wipe their nose on your clothing”. And your “fart-knocker” of a husband couldn’t possibly understand your troubles, while he provides a household that will send another pair of children to school, then college, and onto careers that they can then be disappointed about.
Your own neurosis about child-rearing is about as rare as brown hair. Pull yourself together. You get no sympathy from me.
I agree. My husband and I are going to have kids soon and we have discussed the possibility of me staying home. First, you are lucky to even have the CHOICE to stay-at-home. Wait, let me go back…you are lucky you got married and have kids and a family. Many single girls would kill for your situation. Second, it sounds like your home is a complete nuthouse. (and I sorta grew up in one so takes one to know one) and that maybe this isn’t the right life path for you which impacts your children. Third, maybe it would be good for your kids to see a happy mom rather a mom who is around… but then again, sounds like you hated your former career as well. I don’t know – perhaps you are never happy: not with your former career, not with your new gig, not with your husband. You should count your blessings instead of focusing on your perceived problems (aka first world problems).
I feel like some of you read a completely different essay than the rest of us. Nowhere did I ever get the feeling that Hannah was unhappy. In her old job, SAHM job, with her husband or her kids. I get the sense that she is a real person living a real life with a brilliant sense of humor, and that she is kind enough to share it with the rest of us. I want to be just like her when I grow up.
Mr. Robert needs or be reminded that this is a blog about a mom and her daily experiences and thoughts. I realize that he, as well as other better than thou parents who have posted on this site, feel that every parent should bottle up their emotions and slap on a smile for the family to somehow repress some of the day to day stress that comes with being a parent. I am pretty sure Hannah wasn’t hunting for sympathy… Keep on living that dream, Roberto.
thank gawd for you sir.
Thank your lucky stars you’re not a WAHM with the kids there because then you’d be like me eating cold and stale macaroni and cheese out of the pan over the kitchen sink in my pajamas while on a conference call hoping like heck the baby doesn’t start screaming!
Oh girl, been there. When I worked I worked at home sometimes as well. Once I was on a conference call with hundreds of people and my baby started screaming upstairs. I walked up and said, “Oooh, are you poopy? Let’s change your poopy diaper.” Suddenly the moderator said, “Ummm, it sounds like someone forgot to put their phone on mute and is talking to a baby.” I wanted to crawl into a spider hole and die.
I wish you lived in Philly, we would be best friends! I am a teacher and struggle being a stay at home mom over my summers and feel a tinge of guilt over that. I have two beautiful and healthy boys, but man it’s tough being a stay at home mom! I couldn’t do it, and a lot of what you mentioned in your article happened to me in one version or another. Love the MC, wine is my juice and I’m not sharing! Keep sharing your hilarious life girlfriend, we all need to keep it real!
This is OUT OF THIS FREAKING WORLD. I was laughing my ass off at certain points of this. It’s so spot on. I love everything about it. You’re amazing and hilarious. I think having a great sense of humor about mothering and being a stay-at-home mom is such a gift. Your girls wills be better for it and you will be such a source for them to tap into if they choose the same career path. This is the best thing I have read in a long time. I can’t imagine how hard I would laughed if I actually heard these words coming out of your mouth.
Thank you thank you thank you. My god thank you. I was there with you with the stomach flu and as I sit and nurse my 18 month old who I know of going to have “mommie issues” later in life I giggled like a school girl. Dear god, you’re my angel.
This was perfection. I can completely relate to the mom stuff, so funny and so TRUE.
I’ve decided that I love you and you are now my best friend. That’s not weird at all. Pretty-please send me some of your beard hairs and maybe some finger nail clippings. (< okay, so that part was a little weird)
Sounds like the grass is always greener. I understand its meant to sounds funny, but it sounds like you have no idea how to discipline your children or communicate with your husband. Maybe staying at home, you’ll have time to work on these areas before your kids grow up to be selfish ungrateful entitled adults and your husband leaves you for your bad attitude and alcohol addiction. Stop to enjoyhoe good you’ve got it. Good luck.
Mom? Is that you?
Ha ha! Perfect response.
hahaha as if it couldn’t get any better, you go and do this. Perfection.
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! I thought, Hell, I’m an elementary teacher. It’ll be easy to stay home with just one little one… yeah, famous last words, idiot!
Thank you!
I seriously may print this out and read it a hundred times.
There is not a doubt in my mind that it was written with love,
and it may be the funniest damn thing I’ve ever read. Never
let anyone discourage you from writing!
This is probably the best mommy post I have ever read. Hate to get all serious but this mommy thing can really steal your sanity and I got a little sanity back seeing that I am not the only one. I really appreciate your posting. I have never read you before but I will absolutely subscribe. And I sent this to my husband and told him it’s mandatory once a quarter reading. My youngest is in pre-k but can already feel summer looming. Getting ready to sell some furniture to pay for some summer camps. Thanks again!
This is absolutely the best article I have read in a long time. I am SO happy that I read this article because I so feel the same way about so many of the things you wrote. I have two children who are 3 and 4. I also work full time. You put into writing my thoughts – I swear to god. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Yes. Exactly. Yes. But wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Ditto, sister.
Man I loved this- you are FUNny! Total kindred spirit here. I shared your blog with my circle of trust.
Favorite line: “I used to wear make up. Now, I don’t even clean the food out of my beard before I go to Target.”
YES!!!
And full disclosure, I work full-time at an office, but I’m one of the lucky few that has a super family-friendly work crew with meaningful work in public health and with oodles of nursing/pumping moms who all clear out by 5 to head home for second shift. But I completely relate to your post and I’ve found that one of the best things about parenting is the co-parenting, and as with anything in life, if you can’t have fun doing it, talking about it, or commiserating about it, it’s probably not worth doing…
Oh, and forget the trolls, condescension, and otherwise lame-oh snarks that showed up to the party. Not that you don’t know that, but I find I need to remind myself when I read the comments of things I love. Not worth your time.
Look Erin, I paid the cover charge to this pity party when I read the article in its entirety. At this pity party, the band was terrible, the drinks were watered-down, and everyone who was enjoying the party had taken hallucinogens before they arrived. I am still amazed my sister invited me! Anyway, I have called the cops to break it up.
I guess it all comes down to there are two types of people in the world: People you want to talk to at a party and people you don’t. I’d suspect that you and I both are on as many of one list as the other. Usually what I do when I find myself at a party surrounded by the “don’ts” is discreetly pocket some soft pretzels and slip out the door. You chose to stand on the couch and announce to everyone how much they suck, then grab your crotch and give a big F you on your way out the door. So I’d like to revise my earlier statement. I guess it all comes down to there are two types of people in the world: People who are jerks and people who aren’t.
I have been a stay at home Mom (of one) for 19+ years. I have had eight miscarriages & not for one second did I think it was offensive or that you didn’t love your girls or your hubby with all your heart. This was hilarious!! I appreciate your comical and genius interpretation of the events. I really don’t understand how some of these other people are taking things so literal. Laughter is healing, finding the humor in a difficult situation is therapeutic to the soul. I am compelled to defend you, but you do that well on your own. Kudos to you …….& c’mon, lighten up people! It’s all in your minds interpretation and perception. God Bless 🙂
I really needed to read this today! I was just bitching to my husband about how much he doesn’t know about our (myself & my 5 year old) life at home! And he pulls the same shit – taking off to the gym or going out with colleagues after work or emailing me with elaborate recipes that require me to milk a goat and steal a dove egg to complete! I feel your pain mama! Moms are the only ones who understand eachother! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I especially love the bit about sitting down for a meal and having to get up 12 times for nonsense! Or the fact that my husband will be sitting next to my daughter and she will yell for me upstairs in the shower to get her a drink!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH this is where alcoholism breeeds!
Stay strong mama….
Hilarious! I have laid awake at night thinking how I should write a book or start a blog about the reality and the TRUE feelings we Moms have, and now all i have to do is read this! My feelings exactly, cat on fire, flask at the park and all. As a wife and mother of 3 kids all under the age of 3 ( i have twins) I can relate and smile and almost cry knowing that we are all “in it” together. Cheers!
It amuses me at how much backlash you received over VENTING your frustrations. People always have allllll the right answers don’t they? If the woman who (sadly) lost her child would have been so offended by this satire, would it have not been easier to look away? To those that say she needs to learn how to discipline her child, can you honestly tell me you have NEVER felt like this at some point? My goodness….maybe folks need to lighten up a bit and enjoy some humor. Stop comparing situations. No two people are the same and that’s what makes our world a great one. There is safety in numbers and if you join forces, instead of berate one another, you may find that these trying times are easier to get through.
Thank you so much for writing what I feel!!!
You are not alone!!!! It gets a little easier as they get older. Mine are 8 and 4 and I’ve just started saying “Mommy is eating her dinner, you’re going to have to wait.” and “The kitchen is now closed.” so I’m not constantly being asked for snacks. If I’m in the middle of a task , I tell them they have to wait before I attend to whatever they want, and if they complain, I won’t do it at all. My vegetarian husband is now making his own dinners (the kids and I eat meat and I was making extra food for him). They are slowly getting it, and I’m slowly feeling better. It did take over 8 years! Good luck!
So happy to know there’s a kindred mom spirit who shares my twisted sense of humor about stay at home motherhood. Thanks for the much needed laugh.
If I can stop laughing long enough, I will tell you how priceless your presentation was. Those years are past, but the memories linger. Going back to work after each stay at home stint was actually a treat……5 whole days of!!
Brilliant! You couldn’t have said it better. I read this post in the parking lot of Baskin Robbins. I was supposed to be at a parent education meeting at preschool tonight. Instead I made an impromptu decision to skip it and enjoy a hot fudge sundae and some peace and quiet instead:)
P.S. I loved your vaseline post too. We had similar incident at my house with my 3 year old son only he covered himself and half his bedroom in Vicks Vapor Rub.
I cannot stop laughing. I left advertising 2 years ago to stay home and you speak the truth. LOVE the comparisons to the client and the creatives (I am one of them), and I wish you had a TV show. That is all.
As a creative in a small agency, I take offense to your disdain of sock puppets! Don’t you know they’re required to keep the creative process flowing? 😉
On all accounts, hilarious!!! I’m ashamed to admit as a working mom that I’ve fallen into every category of alcoholism, sadistic urges and zoloft usage you describe… as well as the a-hole husband who expects me to keep the house clean, have a hot dinner ready and keep the kids in line WHILE working a full-time job. But by all admission, I’ve learned that my full-time job is my most relaxing escape from the Gremlins who have no problem destroying my house in 3.2 seconds from arriving home from school. Hats off to ya Mom.
i work at an ad agency, and hate every single day leaving my little 1 y/o baby at home. however, your article is now making me think twice about leaving. thanks for sharing. it was a hilarious read!
I love this and havent stopped laughing because I completely relate to your ad agency life, the crazies there, and and stories about the graduate thesis. I was terrified of losing life balance since I have heard rumblings of this kind of life with kids for years from my friends who are parents . So I thought, dont make the leap, slowly transition out, so I left ad agency life into a more slow paced ‘normal people’ kind of job. I went client side marketing. I am looking forward to having kids and did have that stay at home mom dream too! But thanks for this insight, because it validates my quest for balance. I am going to have to do something that has some middle ground.
Hi Kel, Having never been a Mom, that part of your wonderful funny piece was over my head, but the humor was there, regardless of my lack of sincere appreciation.
HOWEVER!!!
The recitation of typical ad agency events were so dramatically and blindingly real I found myself wanting to fall on my knees and give thanks for becoming a starving artist. It’s more fun, less quibbling (they buy it or they don’t) and nobody can make me change anything, ever, for any reason unless I think it’s a good idea. So far that hasn’t happened. Thanks Kel for re-estabishing my happy life as a painter. RonG
Thanks. But who the hell is Kel, Ron?! She’ll never love you like I do.
Laughing my gluteus off at this tonight. It’s my first time reading you, and I can’t wait to read some more. If you don’t have a book deal, the publishers should run not walk to your door. I have a disused Pd.D. and 2 kids. They’re 8 and 10 now, thank God. I can’t conceive of returning to those chaotic days of crazed sleep deprivation when they were small. You’re spot on about entitled kids and ungrateful husbands and barfing and pretty much all the rest. Godspeed!
Don’t know whether to laugh or cry or both at the same time. Either way, thanks for a great read.
Wow, stop complaining.
Hannah, I love your humor. I’m a SAHM of 16- and 13- year-old girls. You’re in for a wild ride and I can’t wait to read your take on it! Congrats on going viral. You, Jenny and Allie are my favorite bloggers on the interwebs 🙂
People…please. I have a somewhat low functioning autistic 5 year old. I am pretty sure she will never grow up and leave the nest. This representation of life will probably be my day-to-day until I die. Having said that….I found nothing offensive in this post, or that she isn’t appreciating what she has. My 7yr old came running to see what was making me scream with laughter!! I saw myself in every line, and appreciated not feeling so crazy. I find it more offensive when people try to shove their perfect life down my throat..all ‘Martha Stewartish’…yeah ok. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child, and I offer my condolences to you, ma’am. But I do have the ability to turn away as the other poster mentioned when I don’t feel like watching the normal people be annoyed with their own normalness. Everyone I know will ‘tsk tsk’ me when I say something outrageous about parenting, but they all agree quietly, in a back alley somewhere…it’s refreshing to be able to laugh that hard, at something that is the hardest thing any of us have ever done. Rock on, lady….
Your voice is hilarious and observations & experiences are universally shared by we SAHMs. I posted this essay on my Facebook page about a week ago and dared all my mommy friends to say they couldn’t identify… no takers. Seems we’ve all walked a mile in your houseshoes. That’s what makes this essay and your entire blog so appealing to the medicated masses: we’ve all been there and done that in some form or fashion. We identify with what you’re actually brave and irreverent enough to put into written word (the way we’ve been speaking about our children, husbands, homes, and mishaps to our very best girlfriends all along; it just never came out this way at cocktail parties!) You’ve found a handful of new fans in Texas who’ve been talking like you write for years (and before the name-changing hate mail writer has another nasty comment: at least half my group of friends have had to conceive through IVF, suffered many miscarriages before actually conceiving their children, or grown their families thru adoption. So, these are very much loved and wanted kiddos!) More power to you, Hannah, for putting a Chard-addled voice to the hi (and lo) lights of your days to keep all of us at home entertained and squealing “me too!” for many moons to come…
Brilliant! Single working father tying to triage the collateral damage together like Betsy Frucking Ross stitching tattered Jack Daniels labels together making a family flag. Grove is in the heart – peace is every step.
I love you! I flay myself everyday for not being home with my kids. Now I am thinking that I may have to stay at work to keep my sanity. Love your voice. Tell it like it sister!!
This was hilarious! Thanks for that. I just wanted to point out that most of the crappy stuff SAHMs go through during the day is the same crappy stuff working moms go through after being at work all day when they are exhausted.
I’m not saying this to perpetuate mommy wars. I have done both the SAHM thing and the working mom thing, which I think gives me license to comment on both. Frankly, they’re both hard. Parenting is hard. We all love our buggers, but they are exhausting. That about sums it up! Who else needs a vacation?!
Yeap, and it’s a wonder we let our four kids live. The elementary school years weren’t too bad until they reached 5th grade and the school started asking for volunteer time. I refused and got elected PTA Pres. for four years. High School was better, if not seeing the color of their carpet for 4 years is better.
Finally they got jobs and got married. Oldest has 2 Masters Degrees and works for the Bd of Ed. Second son is a disaster coordinator for NYC Offc of Emergency Management. Oldest girl is a Speech Therapist and my baby girl is a Sonographer. End results are 9 grandkids to spoil and then dump back on their parents. LOL LOL Mwa Haa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh my goodness… so much of this is like you have been peeking through my window daily. I have been both a SAHM & worked outside the home, and while they both have their challenges, staying home with my kids has definitely proven to be the most interesting of the two. In addition to my two, I also care for three other little ones in order to bring in some extra income and be able to stay home. From 7am-5pm I am the sole adult in a house full of cuties who I’m quite sure are planning to overthrow me and take control someday. But, I know these days are short-lived, and when my oldest starts school next fall, I’ll wish he could still be home with us. Thank you for sharing your life with us. It helps to know that I’m not alone. 🙂
All valid – although working all day and coming home to do the same stuff, be woken at night etc etc is exhausting; let’s not go down the it’s harder this way or that way route and agree that it’s hard however you do it.
Thank you for posting this. It is nice to know there are others out there.
Hannah! That was awesome! I sold my business ( I dealt a lot with your type of creative team), I owned a modeling agency out of Boston and NYC. Egos everywhere. I too didn’t want to miss one minute of my kids life…I had several miscarriges and lost a baby at 7 mo…That didn’t make having kids any easier and it doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids any more or less than the next parent. My now 14 year old was a handful, as her friends say, “she spent half her life in a time out on the stairs”. I felt just like you. Today she is my best friend (there is hope). My youngest was great! She is now 10 and becoming a bit moody (things to look forward to).
I reopened my business…trying to catch up in a fast paced business. Either way I would have missed out on something. Best of luck!
OMG, I laughed so hard I was crying…This was totally me at one point. But then I STOPPED TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. It’s not my job to make sure my husband and children (boys, 3 and 5) are happy. It’s my job to make sure they have a safe roof over their heads, nourishing food in their stomaches, clean clothes appropriate for the weather, and get to bed at a reasonable time. The other day as I was dragging my children bodily out of the grocery store, my 5 year old declared me the WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD (move over Hitler). But for the most part, they are happy. I let them be, they (sometimes) let me be. They have chores and do them (for cash, alas, but they get done), and if my husband ever requested a fancy dinner that didn’t involve a babysitter and a restaurant, he knows he would find it at the YMCA-where he would be staying for the night. I love my boys. I love my husband. I love them all SO MUCH more now that I don’t try to make everyone happy.
You. Are. Awesome. The end.
Brilliant! I love your honesty, it’s not not the sunshine and rainbows we all thought it would be, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Well, most of the time.
Oh dear! Yes, you will get to the end of the tunnel sooner than you think (not there yet, but it’s nearing…). In the meantime, PLEASE keep posting, because you have sort of captured all the pain and thrills and spills of parenting.
LOVE your writing. Brilliant. SAHM who worked in ad sales (we were the ones w the expense accounts that had to SUCK UP to the other team of 16 yr olds from your agency to GIVE us the creative you pulled all niters to create!) and I get it, I really do! Wonderful piece and so true!!!!
Fantastic! I’d read your book!
So good. “And I have no idea where it comes from, but somewhere deep inside me I’m like, “awww!” and I drop the screwdriver.” No line in The history of human language has ever captured what it’s like to be a stay at home mom more perfectly and kind of disturbingly.
Truth!!!
Amen!!! Loved your story and I think we can all relate. While my story was one of necessity instead of want-to; it was/ is hard all the same. Now I stay at home by day and work evenings and sadly I look forward to work most days. A few hours each night with grown ups!!!
This is the funniest essay I’ve read in a LONG time. Amy Sedaris ain’t got nothin on you!!
ha ha!
xo,
Lisa
http://www.dimepieceonadime.com
This was hilarious and perfect to a T! I laughed out loud when I read fart knocker…haven’t heard that since high school 😉 Great post!
When I posted The 5 Disgusting Habits of Highly Effective Parents, http://www.frommyhearthtoyours.com/2012/08/the-5-disgusting-habits-of-highly.html
I must’ve been having a day like you did when you wrote this.
Although Mommyhood is grand, there are just some days…
Cheers to ya, sista! Cheers to us all!
Great post!
That was a cute article and very funny. My whole family had the stomach flu the same night once. My kids were 2, 2, and 1 and it was a hellish night. But my husband was right there with me, scrubbing toddler vomit in between running to the bathroom himself (and he had it worse than I did, but there is no way he would have abandoned ship that night). Your husband is an infant if he doesn’t see the need to help you through that night. I think half your problem is your unhelpful husband! Mine does just as much housework as I do, AND he gets up with the kids in the night when they cry. :/
Hannah, this is hilarious. The negative comments have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the yucky stuff inside the people who are criticizing your ability to laugh.
“I used to wear make up. Now, I don’t even clean the food out of my beard before I go to Target.” That about ended me. I’m dying over here.
Favorite line was about the tazer. I just have one—child, that is, not a tazer! though perhaps I should look into getting the latter as well—and I’m a working mom but I was home with her all day yesterday because of pink eye, and wow, was it a long day.
I am a proud mother of four, wife of one, and RN who works with physically and developmentally challenged children. Several of the kids I’ve worked with are disabled due to Shaken Baby Syndrome, Battered Child Syndrome, and just plain neglect. I’ve had the misfortune to have 4 of them pass away on my shift. It was devastating. My father died when I was 8, my 2 1/2 year old sister died less than a year after that. And the clincher was my previous husband committing suicide on our dining room table. With us home. With a shotgun. My point??? I’m ALL too familiar with loss and tragedy. So I live to laugh. Being a mom and being a nurse has only sharpened my incredibly warped sense of humor. We all know the TERRIBLE, UNSPEAKABLE acts that occur every day. But I choose to focus on the good and the positive. And I’m POSITIVE this essay made me laugh my ass off! I can’t wait to share it with my friends. If people want to go around with a stick up their butt and be a Stepford wife, well, God bless em is all I can say to that. Like the previous poster said: what did they think the essay would be about with a title like that? If you don’t like it, don’t read it, but don’t bring the rest of the party down! Btw, Robert, you weren’t at the same party with the rest of us. My favorite line was about the makeup. Laughed so hard I think I peed a little! To the women who said your kids needed discipline and act the way they do bc of you? They’re 3 and 4 for heaven’s sake. They’re SUPPOSED to act like that. They are master manipulators bc they are hard-wired that way for survival. The woman who worries if your children read your essays later? Your girls will hopefully be gifted with your sense of humor and won’t feel guilty when they have bad days like we all do. They will come to you and know that you understand and support them. That is priceless. You just keep doing you and let the haters keep swilling the hatorade. You won’t even be able to hear them over the rest of us laughing!
I have 5 kids and can relate to so much of this. Very good writing and funny. I noticed you mentioned using alcohol as a coping technique 3 times. I really hope it was only a joke, and not true because that is a very serious problem. I like wine every couple weeks, but I don’t need it to cope. Having alcoholic parents growing up was very hard and I don’t wish that for any child.
You are the funniest blogger I have ever read, hands-down. Keep on doing it -you’re keeping a lot of us sane along with you! As Melanie said above, let the haters keep swilling their hatorade, you just keep on keepin’ on. You have 3 very lucky girls. 🙂
I. Love. You.
Great article.
There’s certainly a lot to know about this issue. I like all the points you made.
I have read this now twice. Made me laugh both time till my face hurt. Being a SAHM of 3 girls myself (4, 6,8) there are moments that you look at and wonder How the bleep did I get here? Hair undyed for months, girls yelling that they have no clean panties, there was water inside my tube of toothpaste today!? It’s really nice to know there are normal women in this world of SuperMoms. My house will never look like Pottery Barn (I stopped taking the catalog due to its depressing nature) but I will make sure that they grow into great adults in this world. Keep writing, and know that you are freaking amazing.
Love this. It’s so similar to my life, it’s painful. I too was in advertising, but I was the fedora-wearing-unbathed creative. 😉 Still, you were singing my song. Laughing about the bad doesn’t make us less loving or committed–I mean, damn, we gave up some BIG careers–it just means we’re humble enough to admit our failures and let others see it in order to share a laugh. I see this as a gift to your fellow sisters who slave-at-home. Our reasons are deep and complex, but every single one of us—if we’re being honest–has moments where we want to run. Mine may come more often than Sally-down-the-block, but we share those feelings all the same. It’s comforting to laugh about them rather than hide and hope that the hiding will make them go away.
So, thank you for the funniest line I’ve read in awhile.
“I used to wear make up. Now, I don’t even clean the food out of my beard before I go to Target.”
Oh my god, you are fucking hilarious and right on target. I work full time outside of the home, have a 4 yr old daughter and a 4 yr old foster son. I feel the same way except I get a break from the constant demands of the midgets. Continue the prayers and the drinking. Maybe add a zanax every now and then. And work on lowering your expectations, except for the husband. He’s not allowed a break. Good luck.
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This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I am up at 4:30 AM googling “I hate being a mom” as I lay beside a 2 yr old and am days away from birthing my second. I so needed to read this and laugh. Thank you.
HILARIOUS.
Omg I am dying laughing! Thanks for being real!!
This made me laugh so hard I am in tears. Especially the line about “cleaning food out of your beard before going to Target”. I rarely find someone so funny, and I needed this! Thank you, thank you for being hilarious.
I stumbled upon this article when searching I hate being a sahm. It’s been 11 years now and nothing has gotten better or easier. Still the same. This article made me laugh I definitely needed to read this. So Thank you to the author whoever you are. Hopefully your life has gotten easier though I am doubtful unless you’ve won the powerball? Then maybe…but then again I am still doubful as I am positive your kids will still complain. My kids would anyway. Sheesh. _People always tell me enjoy this time because blah blah blah….ugh yea I have enjoyed moments but it’s time to be over. I’d like my kids self sufficient and not reliant on me for every single dang thing. Besides if I’m lucky I will get some grandkids, and I will get to enjoy little kids once again. so the “enjoy this time becasue it will be over fast speech can suck a bag. P.s. I really am looking forward to being a grandparent, partially to see my kids enjoy what my kids gave me to “enjoy”. Maybe I sound harsh….Eh idc.
Backhanded compliments from hubby *check* Unused Masters *check* 3am toddler wake ups *check*
My husband is great, as I’m sure your’s is, but this man literally balked at taking the kids with him for an oil change, when they’ve come with me to my pap smear. I had to convince the Doc to continue and that my 2 year old would not be scarred.
This post may have saved my kids from me jumping ship and going back to work just to afford to put them in daycare. At the very least it has delayed me taking my doctor up on that Prozac prescription.
But seriously, I’m so happy I’m not alone and this actually gives motivation to make this time enjoyable in a way that makes sense for me and my family now instead of my previous single, childless, type A self. Ugh if I could just kick this perfectionism thing. You are amazing Mama!
You nailed it! So nice to know I am not alone in my feelings and to remember keeping a sense of humor about it is key. Thank you!
My husband always tells me I am living the dream and I have no reason to be sad or lonely with my life. This was great to read and mirrored my life in so many ways. I found this article after typing in ‘I suck at being a creative mom’ because after 8 years of staying at home, I am tapped out. Living in the middle nowhere doesn’t help either. Great read.
Hit the nail on the head. I am a mother of a smart curious and bored 14 year old and an 11 year old who has developmental delays as a result of a birth injury and the wife of a somewhat aloof husband who travels quite a bit. He’s a good man who seems to check out unless I’m on in like he’s one of my kids. I dream about the day I can go back to work and I don’t see how. When I googled this today, I had tears in my eyes, as I long for adult interaction with people who don’t know I have children. This made me laugh. It’s all true. Thanks for your perception.