Every holiday season I cringe at how much time is spent stressing about what gifts to buy for my family and how little time is spent reflecting on the true meaning of the season.  I always pledge that this year will be different, but so far I’ve not had the balls to gamble on my Brother-In-Law’s reaction when he opens a gift card for “10 Hugs And A Snowball Fight”.

I like the idea of gift guides to make holiday shopping quick and easy but I’ve found that they are generally disappointing – usually sponsored and filled with stuff the bloggers would never buy for themselves.  So this year I decided to give you a list of my six favorite “Holiday Must-Haves”; things I’ve seen floating around the Internet that gave me pause for obvious reasons – amazing gift potential.  And I promise you this is not even close to being sponsored.

I also promise you that while searching for images I got 284,398 computer viruses and flagged on the FBI’s sex offender list.  You’re welcome.

1.  The C-String Bikini

This swimsuit reminds me of that one time when I had a few cocktails and accidentally put my maxi pad on upside down before I went to sleep.  Everything was fine until I woke up at 3am to pee and plowed my crops when I pulled down my pants.  Watching the instructional video I was relieved to see there is no adhesive involved with keeping this thing up, however, your meat drapes do have to do a bit of heavy lifting (think head band); unfortunate for those of us who have borne offspring.  Which is why this would make the perfect gift for your little niece, or your Great Aunt who is a nun.

2.  The Man Bun (and Accessories).

I don’t know why everyone is always hating on the man bun.  I keep trying to get Nick to grow one but he assures me it is never going to happen because it isn’t professional.  What better way to make it professional than attaching a tiny little elfin fedora?  “Why yes, I will invest my life savings with you,”  I would say to anyone wearing this.  What would make your next pap smear awesome?  Getting entertained by a man bun puppet show between your knees.  The time would literally just fly by.  You should order one for your gynecologist immediately.

3.  Legal cocaine

Know a tired new Mom who needs a boost but is too scared to try cocaine?  It’s sort of like the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving and giving and did you know that you can literally go anywhere in the world why haven’t I explored the ocean?

4.  Next we have these nose warmers.

Also known as, “The Conversation Stopper”.   Perfect for things like parent/teacher conferences, neighborhood picnics or just showing up for jury duty.  I totally think these would also be great to give to your single friends for a first date, just to see how far their personality will really take them in the relationship.

5.  Unicorn Meat

I know you’re wondering, and the Amazon description is this:

Okay, for real: you can’t eat this. It’s a dismembered stuffed unicorn in a can.  The bottom of the tin is easily removable to gain access to the mini dead unicorn inside. No can opener needed!

Whether or not I needed a can opener was not even on my radar as one of the questions to ask about this product. Where did they get the unicorn?  How bad would this freak out my kids?  Which brings me to my point – get a few for your kids.  Keep them in your purse and when they’re bad while you’re out running those last minute holiday errands tell them that every time they throw a tantrum a unicorn dies.  Then they’re gonna have to eat the unicorn.

6.  Scrote ‘N Tote

It’s important to remember to treat yourself this holiday season, and what better way than with a huge, hairy scrotum cascading down your back.  Think about it – airplane rows all to yourself.  Nobody invading your personal space in an elevator.  Kids screaming as they run, terrified, in the other direction.

These wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives.