Despite the countless atrocities that have been born from my oven, the boredom that accompanies a cold winter’s afternoon has forced me to take up a hobby that doesn’t involve spending our retirement fund shopping online, smelling anyone’s butt, building a time machine or pressing my nose against the window for hours on end waiting for Nick’s car to mercifully pull into the driveway.
So yesterday I went to the store and bought some ingredients. And, like clockwork, two hours later I was feeling like a complete failure while sobbing over a pile of chicken covered in a sauce that smelled like feet.
In hindsight, though, I’ve come to the realization that my inability to cook is not my fault. Recipes, while simple instructions, make a lot of assumptions. For instance, the recipe I was making last night simply said to “rinse chicken in cold water, dip it in the mixture, then cook until each side is brown, probably 5-6 minutes.” Ok, simple enough, but it never told me to DEFROST the chicken. So I was left with chicken that was smoking and black on the outside and pink and icy on the inside.
There really needs to be two versions of recipes – one for those experienced chefs, and one for those who have had more important things to do with their lives than waste time cooking.
Spell it out for me people – I’m not too proud.
1. Walk to freezer. Take chicken out of freezer. If chicken is not in freezer, skip to #3.
2. Defrost chicken. The quickest way to defrost chicken is to XXX (I can’t even speculate how to do this for this post)
3. Put chicken in a pan that is XXX (again, not the foggiest but tell me the size of the pan, what color it should be, if I’m supposed to put that spray stuff on it – don’t hold back).
Actually, what would be even better is if the instructions for dummies started with the list of ingredients. This would save me a significant amount of time zig zagging back in forth in unfamiliar grocery store territory while Ellie chews through a hot dog wrapper in the front of the cart.
Unfamiliar territory being any aisle that doesn’t have wine or peanut butter.
Like, when you list corn starch as an ingredient, give me a little hint as to where that might be located. What the hell is a grated orange rind???
It’s going to be a long winter. Back to the time machine.