Hey there, Dad at the pool with his kid. I couldn't help but notice you. Maybe because you strutted in here so carefree... the only one without a cooler big enough to feed the Chinese army. I mean, whatever, but don't come crying to me when your daughter doesn't have a minimum of six choices of Capri Sun and a variety of healthy yet palatable snacks. I'm only trying to - ...
Twenty Questions
I read somewhere that children ask an average of 250 questions a day. Take that, times my three kids, and you’ll understand why I have a permanent eyelid twitch and bring my wine with me into the shower. Most of the questions are easy and take little to no thought — “Why are you yelling at that guy if he can’t hear you?” Because he is driving like a complete ass hat! For ...
How to Become Your Own Worst Nightmare Just By Growing Up
For whatever reason, my favorite movie as a kid was Mommie Dearest. Admittedly, an odd choice for a child. I could tell you that it was because there was something inspiring about Christina's plight for justice and subsequent karmic satisfaction when she publicly (posthumously) exposed her mother for the monster she was. Or maybe even that it encouraged me to appreciate my ...
Death at a Funeral
When the speaker announced my name as the winner of the Huffington Post essay competition, the feeling of elation may have eclipsed that which I felt at the birth of my children. Hell, it may have eclipsed the joy I feel when thinking of my own birth. Coming from a blogger, that is saying a lot. At some point my essay will appear on HP, but I wanted to share it here first as ...
The Seven Stages of Dinner
The majority of my day centers around feeding something. If I am not actively preparing food I am thinking about what I'm going to make, shopping for what I'm going to make, or cleaning up what I just made. And yet despite three meals and one healthy (relatively) snack every single day, my children are non-stop ravenous, insatiable beasts. Until dinner, that is. That's ...