It's difficult to explain what it's like to have a child with ADD to someone who has never experienced it first hand. "Oh, it takes my daughter forever to put on her shoes and socks too. That doesn't mean she has ADD. That's just kids, dude." What my friends don't realize is that I'm talking about the literal forever. I could tell my daughter to put on her shoes and socks ...
The Day I Killed The Elf On The Shelf: A Holiday Card
I didn't send out Christmas cards this year because 2016 got me like: I can barely listen to the Christmas station without wanting to give the radio a double bird. Each time I sat down to put our shiny, happy picture on a card with the headline, "Best year ever!" I wanted to vomit. "Maybe I'll feel less repulsed at... well everything... tomorrow," I thought to myself every ...
Dear Dad at the Pool, You’re Doing It Wrong.
Hey there, Dad at the pool with his kid. I couldn't help but notice you. Maybe because you strutted in here so carefree... the only one without a cooler big enough to feed the Chinese army. I mean, whatever, but don't come crying to me when your daughter doesn't have a minimum of six choices of Capri Sun and a variety of healthy yet palatable snacks. I'm only trying to - ...
Twenty Questions
I read somewhere that children ask an average of 250 questions a day. Take that, times my three kids, and you’ll understand why I have a permanent eyelid twitch and bring my wine with me into the shower. Most of the questions are easy and take little to no thought — “Why are you yelling at that guy if he can’t hear you?” Because he is driving like a complete ass hat! For ...
How to Become Your Own Worst Nightmare Just By Growing Up
For whatever reason, my favorite movie as a kid was Mommie Dearest. Admittedly, an odd choice for a child. I could tell you that it was because there was something inspiring about Christina's plight for justice and subsequent karmic satisfaction when she publicly (posthumously) exposed her mother for the monster she was. Or maybe even that it encouraged me to appreciate my ...