It's difficult to explain what it's like to have a child with ADD to someone who has never experienced it first hand. "Oh, it takes my daughter forever to put on her shoes and socks too. That doesn't mean she has ADD. That's just kids, dude." What my friends don't realize is that I'm talking about the literal forever. I could tell my daughter to put on her shoes and socks ...
The Day I Killed The Elf On The Shelf: A Holiday Card
I didn't send out Christmas cards this year because 2016 got me like: I can barely listen to the Christmas station without wanting to give the radio a double bird. Each time I sat down to put our shiny, happy picture on a card with the headline, "Best year ever!" I wanted to vomit. "Maybe I'll feel less repulsed at... well everything... tomorrow," I thought to myself every ...
Raising Girls: A Beginner’s Guide
Contrary to popular belief, I was ecstatic when my doctor announced in the delivery room that a third little girl would be joining our family. I grew up with two sisters, and couldn't wait for my three daughters to experience the same excitement and volatility of being trapped in an emotionally unstable, explosively melodramatic, all-female shitshow. Plus we already had all ...
The beginner’s guide to surviving three babies in thirty months (also, an open letter to old men at grocery stores everywhere)
As my kids file out of my mini van like clowns out of a VW bug, it's hard to believe that a few years ago I cried myself to sleep at night, unsure if I would ever be able to have a baby. But, thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, lots of prayer and Dongo the Voodoo priestess, here I am with a 5, almost 4 and almost 3-year-old beautiful girls. I've become so accustomed ...
Threesy Peasy
Last week I was at the park on a play date with some of my Mom friends and - !HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS! - the conversation turned to our kids. Because the conversation never veers away from our kids. On play dates you are only legally allowed to talk about three things - kids, children and babies. Once in a while someone might throw in something about a cleanse. After play dates ...