Mystical creatures are big around our house, mainly because I leverage them to blackmail/terrify my kids into good behavior as much as possible. Santa, the Easter bunny, Elf on the Shelf... heck we even had a Stay in Bed Fairy who helped Nick and I finish Mad Men season 6. The tooth fairy isn't my favorite, mainly because she's a lot of work with little to no return. Her ...
A Masterpiece Out of Chicken Thighs
"Hey, come here a second," my mom said as she replaced the book in my hands with a wooden spoon covered in what I prayed was red sauce. Together, we walked into the kitchen and hovered over the skillet like we were peering into a crystal ball. Looking into my future, I saw me eating a lot of takeout. "Now see - first you brown your ground round," she said, soldiering on ...
The Wonderful, Awful, Lucky, Cursed, Beautifully Frustrating World of ADD
It's difficult to explain what it's like to have a child with ADD to someone who has never experienced it first hand. "Oh, it takes my daughter forever to put on her shoes and socks too. That doesn't mean she has ADD. That's just kids, dude." What my friends don't realize is that I'm talking about the literal forever. I could tell my daughter to put on her shoes and socks ...
The Day I Killed The Elf On The Shelf: A Holiday Card
I didn't send out Christmas cards this year because 2016 got me like: I can barely listen to the Christmas station without wanting to give the radio a double bird. Each time I sat down to put our shiny, happy picture on a card with the headline, "Best year ever!" I wanted to vomit. "Maybe I'll feel less repulsed at... well everything... tomorrow," I thought to myself every ...
Twenty Questions
I read somewhere that children ask an average of 250 questions a day. Take that, times my three kids, and you’ll understand why I have a permanent eyelid twitch and bring my wine with me into the shower. Most of the questions are easy and take little to no thought — “Why are you yelling at that guy if he can’t hear you?” Because he is driving like a complete ass hat! For ...