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Ode To My Cleaning Lady

September 15, 2015 · 1 Comment

Confined to the couch My back broken last spring For six weeks laid up I dubbed you a fling   Day one you the rock star Had me at hello Gave the kitchen froth and shine The toilets intoxicating glow   Rehab complete My body normal function Tears in my eyes At losing our junction   "Can we keep her?" I begged "Twice ...

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Filed In: Me / Tagged: cleaning lady, poem

A Vagina Declares Its Independence

July 4, 2015 · 3 Comments

I'm just going to come right out with it – I'm done. For the record, I never signed up for this. I never signed up for any of this. Contrary to what you tell yourself, I just wanted to lay low, show up for work, do my job and go home. Live a life of dignified, peaceful existence. Spend quiet nights at home watching TV. Yet through the years you've insisted on repeatedly ...

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Filed In: Me / Tagged: a vagina's declaration of independence

I Guarantee My Summer Break Sucks Worse Than Yours – A guest post by Ma Ingalls

June 14, 2015 · 9 Comments

Ah, summertime!  Three months of sun, sand and surf.  A hiatus from the rigorous school year schedules as we relax and recharge.  Unless, of course you're this girl.  Then it's just another day in hell. A typical summer morning involves me waking up to four little girls and a disgusting beast of a man in my one room shanty.  And I'm not using that word in a melodramatic, ...

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Filed In: Me / Tagged: Little house on the prairie, ma ingalls, old school parenting, summer break

The Pay in Pain

May 11, 2015 · 1 Comment

“Men are always such babies about this part,” the estethician said, pulling a small metal tool from her drawer. We had come to the extraction portion of my facial, which meant the pleasantries were over and it was now down to business. If you've never had a facial, extractions are when the estethician first turns herself into a witch, then uses Satan's fiery dick to unclog your ...

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Filed In: Me / Tagged: mid life crisis, painful beauty regimes, sometimes I hate myself

How To Become A New Yorker In Five Easy Steps

May 4, 2015 · 7 Comments

With 12 countries and 28 states (if you count Mississippi as a 'state') under my belt I have done a fair amount of traveling, but had not made it to New York until this weekend. "I've seen every Sex and the City episode multiple times, so it's kind of like I've been here before.  Do you know where Carrie lives?"  I asked our airport shuttle driver, who didn't acknowledge I was ...

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Filed In: Me / Tagged: book club trip, New York

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Winner of the 1998 Mid Rivers Mall M.C. Hammer dance contest
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