As I promised my 7-year-old, I've given up blogging for the summer. Her definition of blogging includes me picking up my phone in any way shape or form and I haven't corrected her because it's easier than explaining my obsession with Googling pictures of botched plastic surgeries. Anyhoo, I have been (more or less, depending on my level of required bathroom time) social ...
Bacon and Tampons Are Going to Give Everyone Cancer So I Can Just Go Ahead And Die Now
Last week the boss at cancer research headquarters decided the time for reckoning had come, and gave the green light to all employees to run straight to the internet and shit all over everything we have ever loved. Or at least the things that made bleeding all over ourselves somewhat tolerable. Bacon, processed meat, red meat and tampons... here a cancer, there a cancer, ...
What’s In The Box
This is going to sound super mean, but nothing in the world is funnier to me than somebody's face when they are terrified. Once my middle sister got caught in a cow stampede and I was unable to help her because I was doubled over laughing. A few years ago I played a prank on both of my sisters involving two hidden cameras and a timberwolf suit, and I still pee my pants ...
Ode To My Cleaning Lady
Confined to the couch My back broken last spring For six weeks laid up I dubbed you a fling Day one you the rock star Had me at hello Gave the kitchen froth and shine The toilets intoxicating glow Rehab complete My body normal function Tears in my eyes At losing our junction "Can we keep her?" I begged "Twice ...
A Vagina Declares Its Independence
I'm just going to come right out with it – I'm done. For the record, I never signed up for this. I never signed up for any of this. Contrary to what you tell yourself, I just wanted to lay low, show up for work, do my job and go home. Live a life of dignified, peaceful existence. Spend quiet nights at home watching TV. Yet through the years you've insisted on repeatedly ...