For the twelve years I had a real job I kept a running list of things I would do if I didn't have a real job. I don't know why purple hair and a nose ring seemed so alluring; I can only guess it was the appeal of the forbidden. Upon leaving corporate America in 2010 I wasted no time in knocking stuff out left and right. The first was easy - learn how to do a back spin and ...
Sinners Like Me
I was fifteen when my daddy's old man Caught me half way through my first beer He laughed so hard when my face turned green He said “You come from a long line of sinners like me” -Eric Church "Oh my goodness I just KNEW it was you," the nurse burst through my hospital door, rushed over to the bed and gave a gentle side hug, careful to avoid my C-section incision. "I saw ...
The Kids Are At Camp So Here Are Four Things About Summer Break
As I promised my 7-year-old, I've given up blogging for the summer. Her definition of blogging includes me picking up my phone in any way shape or form and I haven't corrected her because it's easier than explaining my obsession with Googling pictures of botched plastic surgeries. Anyhoo, I have been (more or less, depending on my level of required bathroom time) social ...
Bacon and Tampons Are Going to Give Everyone Cancer So I Can Just Go Ahead And Die Now
Last week the boss at cancer research headquarters decided the time for reckoning had come, and gave the green light to all employees to run straight to the internet and shit all over everything we have ever loved. Or at least the things that made bleeding all over ourselves somewhat tolerable. Bacon, processed meat, red meat and tampons... here a cancer, there a cancer, ...
What’s In The Box
This is going to sound super mean, but nothing in the world is funnier to me than somebody's face when they are terrified. Once my middle sister got caught in a cow stampede and I was unable to help her because I was doubled over laughing. A few years ago I played a prank on both of my sisters involving two hidden cameras and a timberwolf suit, and I still pee my pants ...