I’ve often wondered if I would want to know if something bad was about to happen to me. You know, like, would I want a little heads up if I were going to break an ankle on Thursday, or -NO GOD NO- Kourtney and Kim Take Miami wasn’t renewed for a sixth season?
And I had come to the conclusion that - no - worrying about something is almost worse than it actually happening, so blind side me away.
But that was before. Before the Vomapocalypse 2013. So much has changed. The way I look at my kids, at Nick, at myself, at my toilet. I’ve seen things, man. Bad things. Things that can’t be unseen. Unclean.
It all started Friday night when Nick’s car broke down in a north county Quick Trip parking lot while he was making his 54th Big Gulp stop of the day. We were supposed to meet some friends for dinner, but instead the girls and I had to make a road trip to the hood to pick him up and drop him off at the rent-a-car place before he spent their college funds on Diet Dr. Pepper.
We abandoned ship on the dinner, and the girls and I
THING I WOULD CHANGE IF I HAD A HEADS UP SOMETHING BAD WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN #1:
drove through Taco Bell. I got my favorite, a
THING I WOULD CHANGE IF I HAD A HEADS UP SOMETHING BAD WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN #2:
Doritos Locos Taco Supreme with
THING I WOULD CHANGE IF I HAD A HEADS UP SOMETHING BAD WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN #3:
extra lava sauce and
THING I WOULD CHANGE IF I HAD A HEADS UP SOMETHING BAD WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN #4:
three packets of fire sauce, and oh well might as well throw in a
THING I WOULD CHANGE IF I HAD A HEADS UP SOMETHING BAD WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN #5:
Grilled Stuffed Burrito while you’re at it.
Then the girls and I came home and
THING I WOULD CHANGE IF I HAD A HEADS UP SOMETHING BAD WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN #6:
I spread a blanket on the playroom floor and we had a little Taco Bell picnic
THING I WOULD CHANGE IF I HAD A HEADS UP SOMETHING BAD WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN #7:
with all of their toys and stuffed animals while we waited for Nick to get home from work in his rent-a-car.
After my Doritos Locos Taco with extra Lava Sauce, and mid-way through my burrito soaked in fire sauce, it happened. No warning. No heads up. Just three girls not interested in their cheese roll-up as their Mom went HAM on some faux Mexican. Out of nowhere, a forceful spray of vomit flew out of Ellie’s mouth and onto every surface within a 3-foot radius. Which was almost every stuffed animal she owns.
Then… we had one of those moments.
You know, those moments where you just sit, perfectly still, and stare deep into each others eyes because neither of you have any idea where to begin and you pray so hard that it will just magically go away. Her eyes are looking at you all, “What the heck just happened?” And your eyes are looking at her all, “I wonder if I can finish this burrito before I have to clean up this shit.”
Then, in an effort of self-preservation, I blacked out. The next thing I knew I was picking chunks out of her hair as the other two kids screamed bloody murder downstairs because I had locked them in something to keep them out of the vomitorium.
“Maybe this is a one and done,” I thought to myself, three seconds before she leaned out of the tub and barfed all over my socks.
Then we went down like a stack of dominoes. First Ellie, then me, then Nick, then Lila. The only one left standing was Hadley, which confirms my suspicions that she’s a witch. Nobody is that cute. NOBODY.
I’ll spare you the gory details, but lava sauce is just as spicy coming up as it is going down. Oh, and did you know that it’s possible to dry heave out of your butt? That’s only 30% of the goriest thing that happened Friday night.
At one point round 2am I was pants down on the toilet, barfing into a trash can, holding a bowl for Ellie to barf into, while Lila was barfing in the bathtub and Nick was barfing in the other bathroom. And you know what I was thinking? “That ass hole better get in here and clean up after at least one of these girls.”
I woke up the next morning feeling better but a little disoriented, trying to piece together what had happened the night before.
I was in the guest bed with Ellie and Lila; Supernanny was on the TV. There were two trash bags filled with unspeakable things at the top of the stairs. A bucket filled with stuffed animals covered in vomit, begging me to shoot them in the face, was in the garage. My underwear was on the deck.
My uneaten half burrito on the kitchen counter. I took one bite before I threw it away because, well, you know, burrito.
On a positive note, we all look fabulous. I’m almost down to my pre-wedding weight.