Last Saturday started out like any other Saturday. Woke up at 6am to a crying baby, drove through McDonald’s for a bacon egg cheese biscuit and large Diet Dr. Pepper, headed out to the middle of nowhere with my friend Christina and got chased by zombies through the woods for three miles.
No big d.
I was super nervous before the race, not because of the possibility of getting eaten by the undead but because of the possibility there might be an obstacle I couldn’t do and everyone would be laughing and pointing as I cried at the bottom of a rope swing. Not that that’s ever happened before.
But thanks to my twice weekly 5:45am boot camp sessions with my Sweaty Friends and some pent up gym class bully hostility I totally dominated the zombies like a fat kid dominates cake. Well, except for that one part where they took all my flags and I “died”.
The scariest part of the run actually came about ten minutes in when a deer all hopped up on go-go juice had juuust about enough of a bunch of hippies running through her bathroom and went completely bitch cakes on the runners right behind me.
At first I thought it was a zombie actor dressed up like a deer but as it got closer I saw the crazy look in her eye and I realized she was a legitimate undead woodland creature.
Sorry I didn’t get any pics – I was too busy shitting myself whilst trying to flap my arms fast enough to fly to safety. I don’t really remember much after that, probably because I was running through my real life nightmare of a deer touching me with its creepy face.
But here’s an artist’s rendering:
P.S. Those are actual fangs on that bastard. It’s some deer in China or Australia or something. I would LOVE to introduce that species here in the Ozarks so they would have a fighting chance come November.
Luckily I brought along my waterproof camera to share some of the race action with you.