My second thought when I found out I was pregnant with Hadley was, “well at least I don’t have to try to lose weight any more.”
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, my first thought was, “No no no, sweet Jesus please no, why are there two lines on this pregnancy test, what the hell am I going to do, I have a 6-month-old and a 1-year-old, I’ve totally screwed myself, damn it to Hell – that stupid husband of mine this is all his fault I TOLD him this was going to happen, wait maybe this is a special unique brand of European pregnancy test where two lines actually means not pregnant, oh please lord let that be the case, no no it’s not the case at all, oh crap my life is ruined, I wonder if I could pretend like I don’t know this information and still have some beer tonight.”
So now that she’s 7 weeks old, and I got the all-clear to resume life as normal yesterday from J.T. my trusty O.B., I begrudgingly realize it’s time to face the music.
The music being the sound of my stomach rumbling all day as I can’t stop thinking about my secret lover, chicken McNuggets.
The music being my lungs wheezing after I coughed up something I ate last week while running on the treadmill.
The music being my jeans screaming in terror as I trade them out for the sweats I’ve worn for the past 11 months. The sweats I can’t function without for the two hours it takes to wash and dry a load of laundry. The sweats I tried to wear to our church Christmas Eve service but Nick made me change and the only pants I had that even came close to buttoning were so tight I started to hallucinate from lack of blood to my brain and peed my pants a little every time I sat down or bent over.
I knew this time I was going to need some help and all I could think about was the Sex and the City episode where the book store worker tells Miranda “Will the New York Times come to your house at two in the morning and pry the cookie dough out of your hands?”
Yes, yes - I need whatever that is that does that.
But, in my defense, here was the ’before’ 8 short weeks ago: