Somewhere between 35 and 36

November 8, 2011

This morning I had my 35 week ultrasound to make sure the baby is growing properly and help determine a date for the c-section. 

I had an inkling this little fella (or whatever the female variation of fella is… fanny?) was on the larger side, mainly due to the sensation of a combine harvester crushing my spinal discs together every time I attempt to walk, get up off the floor or make a desperate and panicked leap into oncoming traffic.

Oh, and there’s also this… The Stomach That Stops People Dead in Their Tracks and Elicits Comments Everywhere We Go:

 

Meet queso. 

Weighing in at 8 pounds, measuring 40 1/2 weeks and femur bones that are off the chart, its interests include:  insulin shots, writing pointed letters to airline management for insisting it buy two seats on a flight to Orlando and licking mayonnaise off the game controller while simultaneously defeating its own World of Warcraft high score.

For the first time since I found out I was pregnant I was thanking God that this baby isn’t coming out my business end. 

Of course my relief was quickly replaced by concern for the baby’s health, and this afternoon as I washed down my McDonald’s #1 with a chocolate milk shake I wondered if there was something I could have done differently to put this baby in a healthier weight class.

After finishing off last night’s leftover mashed potatoes I decided probably not, and I shouldn’t be stressing myself out with such thoughts.

I saw the nurse practitioner after my appointment, who will share my chart with J.T. and we’ll get a date scheduled next week.  All she said, after a sympathetic laugh, was that I’m definitely not making it to my due date.

At this rate I don’t even know if I’ll make it to tonight.  I think I can feel this thing scratching at my tonsils with its toenails.     

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Singedwingangel November 9, 2011 at 12:30 am

Bless your heart I have been there with the larger then they should be baby. My youngest was 8 lbs 10 oz and came at 34 weeks..only he came out of my business end..

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Holly November 14, 2011 at 9:22 pm

I have not laughed so hard reading a post, ever! Too funny. I go to the doctor tomorrow and I have a feeling that we’re both having sumos.

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Veronica November 15, 2011 at 1:45 am

My now two month old son came out of the business end at 9lbs. 14oz. My vagina still hates me. Good luck!

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Veronica November 15, 2011 at 1:49 am

P.S. I should know better than to eat or drink anything while reading your posts. Breakfast for dinner almost came out of my nose.

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Hannah November 15, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Angel/Veronica – holy crap. I can only imagine the terror I would be feeling right now if I knew I had to squeeze this thing out.

Holly – keep me posted on what’s happening with you!

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