In honor of Throwback Thursday… a video from the vault for all you hot mammas trying to polish up the ole bikini body.




Throwback Thursday… The Best Of The Worst


Because of this contest I have yet another bullet point to add to my ever-growing list of nightly prayers:  “Dear Lord please don’t let the big hair fashion trend rear its ugly head before my girls move out of the house.”  I think my Mom aged 20 years from 1988-1993 from our morning fits of rage against gravity and the lies encased within the can of extra super firm hold aerosol that went flying into the wall on a regular basis. Cast your vote in the comment section below on which is the best of the horrible by Monday (April 14, 2014) at noon.  The winner will receive: 1.  A $100 gift card with Carrie Straatman at KINK Hair to right any wrong that may still linger, and 2.  A one-hour design consultation and $100 gift card from Kennedy Painting to make sure your house looks as fabulous as your new hair. Now I need to go scrub the phantom hair spray residue off my forehead.

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The Big Revealowski


You may recall my big contest a few (11) months ago where readers helped me pick my outfit for the Listen To Your Mother show. Many people sent in outfit ideas.  I tried most of them on… …picked three finalists, and you all voted for your favorite.  The person with the winning-est outfit won a free home paint and design makeover from Kennedy Painting, free hair makeover from KINK Hair and a free photography session to capture their mess of Fabulous from Karen Hendrix Photography. And I also won because I did not look like a total douche in front of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people as I made my first official public appearance (table dancing at baptisms excluded): Well, I’m nothing if not on top of my to-do list *feeds dead hamster* so, without further ado, I present you with your grand champion… Christina. A mere 11 months later. Room makeover from Kennedy Painting:   And… hold onto your hats… AFTER:   KINK Hair makeover and Karen Hendrix photo session:   And… AFTER:   Win it! Because I had so much fun giving away the first prize pack, I’m doing it again (but on a slightly smaller scale that does not involve me dragging three kids to the mall and trying on 83749874923847923874 dresses). No… this time I’m going to make you […]

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Just Thank God You Didn’t Have To Give Birth To Anything With Hooves


Last week as I was on my knees simultaneously scraping what by my best guess was a bloody booger off the wall and praying a runaway train barreled through our house to put a quick end to the spring break misery, I decided enough was enough.  Fin.  I pried the girls’ claws out of each others faces and announced that we were going on a spontaneous yet completely awesome overnight girls’ only road trip. I called Nick at work, who was thrilled to have the night to himself and asked me to leave the Sonicare and take the parental control off the cable. I tossed the portable princess potty into ye olde mini van and the girls and I ventured two hours west to Warm Springs Ranch, the Budweiser Clydesdale breeding farm. While some might think an overnight road trip alone with a 2, 3 and 4-year-old is “ambitious”, or “stupid”, at this point in my life I could write an entire book on how to travel with kids.  It would be called:  McDonald’s.  Starbucks.  Pee.  Repeat.  Easy. But something I’ve learned as a parent is that even the most tried and true plans hit an off day.  And last week’s road trip reality would be called: McDonalds.  Starbucks.  Pee.  Get back on the highway.  Tell me you have to poop.  I pull over.  You […]

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It’s Not Going To Help And You’re Wasting Your Time: An Essay On Parenting Books


I just spent the past two weeks of my life reading a parenting book that completely negated the parenting book I’d read two weeks before.  I have no idea how many hours of my life I’ve wasted reading parenting books, not to mention the billions of articles shared on Facebook every day that promise to unlock every secret to motherhood bliss.  I’m selective with my clicks, though.  When I see something that seems worthwhile I think back to the last children’s birthday party we attended and read only those articles shared by parents of kids who didn’t pee in the ball pit or throw cake at the dog. I do know I’ve read enough material that by this point I should be able to write my own book.  The title would be: It’s Not Going To Help And You’re Wasting Your Time. I appreciate parents like me who spend the last few minutes of their mentally, physically, mind numbingly exhausting day of being pushed to their very limits, hanging on to sanity by a thread, worn slick from working and cooking and refereeing, to read about the many, many, MANY ways we’re screwing everyone up.  I don’t know about you, but by the time I lay my head on my pillow to go to sleep I’ve rehashed every moment of our day ten times and […]

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Stay At Home Mom Barbie (and an awesome give-a-way)


This workout wardrobe inspiration brought to you by Ross Dress For Less  I don’t know about you, but I was happy to see the launch of “Average Barbie”. Not because I had any hard feelings toward skinny Barbie; I actually felt bad for her because she didn’t have nipples and her crotch resembled a Pink Pearl eraser.  But Ken’s crotch is even more jacked up so it’s not like she’s really missing out on much. I do, however, think they are giving Barbie way too much credit for her influence on young girls’ body image.  How about… oh, I don’t know… giving kids more than 15 minutes for recess and asking schools to stop serving them fried grease on a stick? But whaddo I know?  My kids are sitting at the breakfast table right now asking me if they can put ketchup on their cereal. It’s true – if I were a dog I would have eaten myself to death 20 years ago.  Mexican food and flame broiled meat have been struggles my whole adult life.  And with three girls it is hard to stay positive about my bat wings, muffin top and my back boobs. So as much as it pains me, the past few months I’ve been stepping up my workouts as much for my girls as myself.  I know I’ll never see […]

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Morning Glory


Sitting in the carpool line waiting to drop off my kids at pre-school, I can’t help but notice that none of the other Moms look like they are suffering from PTSD.  Beads of sweat still linger on my brow; my eyelid won’t stop twitching.  A bird chirps from a nearby tree and, startled, my head spins around and I reflexively scream, “I SWEAR TO GOD IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY GET YOUR SHOES ON!”.  My kids seem unfazed at my sudden outburst. Now mind you – we only sit in the carpool line if our morning has gone exactly according to plan, which is about once a year.  Most days I’m Dukes of Hazzard-ing it into the church parking lot, hubcaps flying off my mini van as I take the corner, praying that I’m not too late to make the drop and don’t have to do the dreaded We’re Late Walk Of Shame into the front doors. No – we didn’t have a dentist appointment.  No – the car is running fine.  Somebody pooped, or spilled, or had a last-minute change of heart about their underwear choice. Five times out of ten I am the Somebody. My alarm goes off at 6:30am and I arise with a renewed sense of optimism, my brain blocking out our hundreds of previous attempts to get […]

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