Go Home, Perverts – You’re Drunk


I swear to you – I tried so hard to not write this post.  Every time a new story about Jared broke I told myself, “Nope – don’t do it.  Don’t throw shade.  Just mind your own business and write about poop and wine and muffin tops like you do every other day.”

Sitting down to my laptop this evening I fully intended to work on an essay that I’m submitting for a contest next week.  The topic is marriage, and I’m writing about my first marriage.  Filled with lies, scandal and deceit, it makes for a much more interesting read than my current marriage, with all its boring love and mutual respect.

Of course by ‘work on my essay’ I mean ‘spend the better part of an hour scrolling through Facebook’ which, today looks a lot like my first marriage did.  Lies, cheating, deceit, Josh, Jared, lying bastards, gross gross gross barf I hate you and I’m fucking taking the house and the cat.

Having been on the receiving end of an unfaithful relationship, infidelity holds a special place in my heart.  That place is the place that wants to tie human beings up in my basement and stick lit cigarettes in their eye over and over and then sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as I mutilate their genitalia.  Sorry – I thought maybe I should introduce you to the thoughts that were in my head moments before I invited you into my blog and then locked the doors.  Anyhoo, it’s all tied together in a roundabout sort of way so here we go.  I’m fired up and I’m writing about it.

Before I left my job to change diapers full time,  I was the Senior Brand Manager on the Subway account at an ad agency.  This meant eating sandwiches until I wanted to kill myself and occasionally flying Jared into town and managing/driving him to appearances.  I worked on the account for three years, from 2007 – 2010, which I just read was right in the wheelhouse of his Disgusting and now I have to burn my car.

Like any celebrity he was less than thrilled about being recognized by strangers dying to tell him in detail about how much weight they lost by eating nothing but sandwiches.  And he was recognized everywhere.  We did our best to avoid people and tried to stay as incognito as possible when we weren’t doing publicity for the brand, because EVERYONE KNEW HIM AND HE KNEW THAT EVERYONE KNEW HIM.  Do you see where I am going with this?

This goes for you too, Josh Duggar – I cannot wrap my mind around how these guys thought they were going to be able to get away with cheating on such a grandiose scale.  Everyone knows Jared, and I’m sure everyone in, well, wherever the hell he lives, knows Josh Duggar.

Did getting recognized and then blown to bits by the media give them any pause?  Has Monica Lewinsky taught us nothing?  Evidence is everywhere, EVERYWHERE for ordinary people.  But a celebrity?  YOU WILL GET CAUGHT CHEATING WITH YOUR NANNY, BEN AFFLECK.  In the case of Jared and Josh they didn’t even try to cover it up.  $1,000 for an Ashley Madison account on your shared credit card?  Texting from your main phone to brag about underage prostitutes?  Jesus… take a course in Hide Shit 101.

Am I the only one who watches To Catch a Predator?  Chris Hansen poised and ready to pounce from under a pile of clothes in the laundry basket, beer bellied oaf after oaf blindly shuffling his way right into the lens of the camera with a shit eating grin – condoms in one hand and AstroGlide in the other.

Call me sexist, but a woman would see that show once and think, “Wow – I’m never showing up at someone’s house for underage sex because it is probably a trap.”  Men… not so much.  That show ran for TWENTY YEARS.  In twenty years of that show running on the most watched television network in the entire world, their secret trap exposed for everyone to see, they still had a plethora of men lined up and ready for action.  In their minds there was no way they could possibly get caught; their wives would never find out.

Chris Hansen a warrior – the voice of reason righting the wrongs, fighting for jilted wives everywhere.

Chris hansen


I was banging my head on the table, trying to figure out how to wrap this all up when Nick called.

“Hey – how is your day going?”

“Oh my god why are men so fucking stupid and think they can get away with whatever they want like ‘Oh it’s Thursday going to get me a 13-year-old prostitute’ and furthermore what is wrong with these prostitutes that they didn’t recognize that these guys are celebrities and then ask for more money?  Or sell their story to US Weekly for like a million dollars?  Who doesn’t recognize Hugh Grant?  Why are men so sloppy and careless and don’t even give two shits if these women recognize them and go to the press and ruin the lives of their family and go to prison?”

“Totally.  Everybody knows you kill a prostitute once you’re done with her.”

And that, my friends, is my better marriage.


Three Little Girls Who Can’t. Even.

I've been taking a bit of a blog hiatus, because in a moment of delusional grandeur last spring I decided that my kids and I are going to have a totally groovy 70s style summer.  No bells and whistles, no frills, no fancy camps.  Just some good old fashioned playing in the sprinklers, drinking water straight out of the garden hose, throwing a pack of cigarettes on the deck and locking them of the house until dark. Today we took a detour from the usual kid friendly fun and went for a hike.  A … Read the full article →

The Collective Whine

Yesterday morning started with my three-year-old throwing herself on the floor, shrieking manically. I ran into her bedroom. It appeared she was having convulsions. Had she broken a bone? Was she hemorrhaging from the head? When I asked her what was wrong she informed me, through a series of ear piercing screams, that her underwear were “too shaky”. The screaming and convulsions continued for over twenty minutes, making us late for camp. All because of the shaky underwears. I still don't know … Read the full article →

A Vagina Declares Its Independence

I'm just going to come right out with it – I'm done. For the record, I never signed up for this. I never signed up for any of this. Contrary to what you tell yourself, I just wanted to lay low, show up for work, do my job and go home. Live a life of dignified, peaceful existence. Spend quiet nights at home watching TV. Yet through the years you've insisted on repeatedly torturing me, then blaming me for all your problems. Listen sister – that pregnancy mess was just as much of a surprise to … Read the full article →

The Gift

This morning I had to go to the post office to mail a baby gift.  The post office is my least favorite of all the awful places I take my kids, gynocologist included.  It's quiet, and everyone is standing in line with nothing better to do than judge me when my kids act up.  There are a million things lying around that pull their fingers in like a magnetic force field.  Boxes, envelopes, pens.  There's a ledge underneath a squeaky mail slot and they love nothing more than to run over, hoist … Read the full article →

I Guarantee My Summer Break Sucks Worse Than Yours – A guest post by Ma Ingalls

Ah, summertime!  Three months of sun, sand and surf.  A hiatus from the rigorous school year schedules as we relax and recharge.  Unless, of course you're this girl.  Then it's just another day in hell. A typical summer morning involves me waking up to four little girls and a disgusting beast of a man in my one room shanty.  And I'm not using that word in a melodramatic, guttersnipe sort of way.  It's a legit, straight up shanty.  I can see wild animals trying to get inside to eat us through … Read the full article →

Death at a Funeral

When the speaker announced my name as the winner of the Huffington Post essay competition, the feeling of elation may have eclipsed that which I felt at the birth of my children.  Hell, it may have eclipsed the joy I feel when thinking of my own birth.  Coming from a blogger, that is saying a lot.  At some point my essay will appear on HP, but I wanted to share it here first as a special sneak peek; sort of a 'thank you' to my readers.  Also putting it here first means my Google rankings are … Read the full article →